Tag Archives: Sex

Why Do We Have Sex?

I have a confession to make: I’m not having sex right now. At all. I’m taking a break from dating while I do some Sophie-related soul searching, and this includes even the casual, easy ongoing fling I’ve had for the past… Almost year. With a boy I really liked who suited my tastes and weirdnesses to a T… But, that’s neither here nor there. It is HARD, and the fact that I write about sex and spend a tremendous amount of my day around porn has made sure that my mind is on it even more than it already would be, but do you know what? That’s okay. I’m doing the best thing I know to do for myself right now, as suggested by my very innovative and persuasive therapist. All this is temporary, and it should lead to a happier me, if a super sexually frustrated me over the next few months. It’s been a week, but a rough one.

The main reason I’m doing this is because I want to look at the reasons I’m intimate and make sure they’re actually making me happy and making my life better instead of worse. Neutral would be okay too, but definitely not worse. Well, wouldn’t you know that the university just a few blocks away from me (University of Toronto – site of the Feminist Porn Conference!) is in the process of studying why people have sex and how that rates in terms of satisfaction and well-being? They’re only doing this work with couples (for now) so I’m not likely to become a lab rat for them, but at least I can look at their findings and apply them to my life, and perhaps to yours as well!

They found that when you’re having sex for positive reasons, you’re likely to have a much better time than if you’re having sex for negative reasons. This may seem obvious, but I don’t think it’s something people put much stock in. Positive reasons like increasing intimacy and connection or feeling better about yourself are more inclined to put you in touch with your partner and yourself and revelling in your sensuality together for its own sake, whereas doing it because you feel like you should or because it will smooth over a fight… Not so much. Wifely duties shouldn’t be a thing, and that goes for any other partnerly duties, too. A slave to duty is just that… And if you’re going to be a slave, you better have a safeword!

Sex is a wonderful thing, and we should all be having more of it (though not me right now, I guess) but it’s valuable to take a step back and make sure we’re feeling good about what’s going on. There’s something to be said for giving pleasure rather than focusing only on receiving it, for rallying and for making a concerted effort to promote intimacy, but there’s work on the self that must be done to ensure that this is a positive choice rather than self-coersion. You shouldn’t ever have to talk yourself into sex. That’s very different than making time for it or making it a priority. By checking in with ourselves, we’ll be able to enjoy it infinitely more.

Steps to Sex-Positivity

Camille Crimson having sex before giving a beautiful blowjob

How can you be positively sex-positive?  There are lots of ways to express it, but Rachel Rabbit White of (among other things) The Frisky has a list of ways to be sure that you’re doing your best to encourage everyone in your life (including yourself) to enjoy sex in whatever ways they want.  There are 8, but I wanted to share a few of my favourites:

1. “Having sex is healthy, but so is not having sex.” I try to emphasize this over and over again.  There are so many ways to be sensual with yourself…  Watching porn and taking your time with it can be a really amazing way of exploring that.  I don’t ever want to use language that makes it seem like you need a significant other to have a good time.  But also, you don’t even need to be sexual at all if you don’t want to be.  Granted, you’re not likely going to be finding my sites if you don’t at least like a little quality solo time, but there is no requirement to do so in life.  Sexuality should be live and let live.  No one should feel weird for doing what feels right, as long as everyone is consenting!

3. “Slut-shaming also means shaming people who are more “out of the box” with their sexuality than you.” This should go without saying…  I try not to speak ill about the lengths that anyone goes to when it comes to sharing or exploring their sexuality.  That may seem obvious, since I make porn, but I try not to be negative about the people who make more mainstream porn, even though it’s not my personal route.  I may not always agree with the business of big, mainstream porn, but I would never judge the personal choice to appear in it.  The more we try to step back from big, overarching snap judgments, the more likely we are to open our minds and understand (or at least accept) what we were initially wary of.

8. “Intimacy is complex.” This is certainly one that I need to check in with myself about.  I try to lead by example and talk about communication and show how that has positively impacted my life with Mike, but I also don’t want to assume that it’s this easy for everyone.  You, as well as any partners you might have or have had, have different experiences than mine.  I’m lucky that so many of you share your lives with me and I get to give my two cents from time to time. All I can do is try to be understanding and see where you’re coming from when your experiences of intimacy are different than mine.

What are some steps or thoughts that have helped you to be more open and non-judgmental about sex and sexuality?

Waves of Heat

Having sex on the kitchen table with Camille Crimson

I didn’t want to let this slip any of you by…  You know that I love cooking things up, but the kitchen is much more than just a place of culinary creation for me.  Mike and I had some blisteringly hot sex on the kitchen table and it’s front and centre on a recent update to my brand new site: Waves of Heat.

Even though it’s starting to get chillier in Montreal, the kitchen is always pretty hot with the amount of cooking that goes on here, but yet we found a way to kick it up a few more degrees.  I stretched out on the table and hiked up my shirt to expose my breasts as he slammed into me over and over again.  To up the ante, I started playing with myself, feeling unbelievably turned on by the mix of beautiful stimulation.

It’s wonderful that we both know our bodies so well, because it lead to a really unbelievable orgasm which you can hear loud and clear, ringing out as the video comes to an end.  I’d love to know what you thought about this one…  Do you like the primal, almost animalistic hunger that comes from throwing down and having sex outside where it’s usually situated?  I know I do!

Hilarious Steps to Have More Sex (For Men!)

Camille Crimson having passionate sex with her boyfriend

You like sex, don’t you?  Well, you probably wouldn’t be here if you weren’t at least intrigued by the concept.  Cracked has 4 tips to help men get more sex, but it’s not at all what you think or what you might expect from them.  I think a lot of people think of Cracked as pure comedy, and in many ways it is, but this is comedic advice with a heavy dose of reminding men to treat women with respect.

Their points are as follows: treat her with respect forever, don’t JUST be nice — be an interesting human being, don’t think that sex is owed to you and, perhaps most poignantly, don’t read advice on how to get women/have more sex.  This is some really great and nuanced advice couched in hilarious references to everything from a fake Robocop script to anthropomorphized ice cream treats.  It occasionally veers into fake misogynist lingo, reading like the usual sex tips that men get, but it’s actually just very positive and woman-friendly concepts being fed to people who might not be expecting it.

What do you think of this?  What if we infiltrated all sorts of traditional vestiges of manliness?  Is this a spoon full of sugar to help the medicine go down, or is this hiding the medicine in something so they’ll not even realize it until it’s too late?  By medicine, I mean realistic sex and relationship advice that goes against what men are usually taught.  Maybe we could extend this to women’s magazines, too!  But who knows if you could continue to sell issue after issue and get the hits you need if you were always talking about respect…  Maybe you could!  Thoughts?

Naked Redhead

Naked redhead having hot sex

Things that people always want to see: nudity and sex.  This is another update from my new site that delivers just that.  It’s called Naked Redhead…  Because who doesn’t like a naked redhead?  This video is great because it features a titjob, which is something I love to do and love to show.  Mike’s cock just fits perfectly between them.

This video is really pretty.  I love the simple blank walls all washed with warm light and the little plants adding a little extra colour, but ultimately being eclipsed by my flaming red hair as it tosses around while I ride through several beautiful orgasms.  My hair is always almost a shock of colour, and I love that.  It just livens up anything!

I hope you’ll go take a look at it.  I love being on top, and this video shows why…  It’s just so perfect for multiple orgasms…  The only thing better than a single great orgasm with my love is more than one!  ;)

Sex-Negative Feminism

One of the things I did a while back was ask around about what people might like to see on my blog.  Outside of more blowjobs (of course!) one request was to hear more from Sophie.  She was quite happy to oblige, so here’s what she had to say in response to an xoJane article about the concept of sex-negative feminism:

Thanks, Camille! I always feel like a field reporter when you have me blog here. This article has been on my mind for a while because I just can’t quite wrap my head around her reasoning, so I finally decided to break down and post about it in some way. I identify as a sex-positive feminist, but it’s certainly not without critical thought, and that appears to be the crux of the problem with the argument she presents: she thinks that people come to sex-positive feminism without questioning it and making sure it’s the right fit for themselves, or that feminism doesn’t truly enter our view of sexuality at all. It’s not that feminism doesn’t play a role in our understanding of our sexuality, but that our feminism allows for enjoyment of sex in spite of a deeper thought process around it.

She says that she calls herself a sex-negative feminist “because it’s a startling term” which I don’t disagree with, but it doesn’t really accurately reflect how she feels. I would assume it was just click bait based on the article, but she does seem to strongly prefer the label. The author paints herself this way, but ultimately espouses much of what is expected of a sex-positive feminist. For example:

Being sex-negative doesn’t mean that I fancy myself the chief inspector of the sex police, or that I am personally judging what you do in bed, or that I’m conservative, or that I’m engaging in repressive moralizing. It doesn’t mean that I hate sex workers, or that I want to ban sex work or porn (and, in general, I tend to leave those conversations to women who do sex work while I shut up and listen to what they have to say). It doesn’t mean that I hate sex or that I’m embarrassed by it.

That’s pretty sex-positive, or at least sex-neutral, to me. You can be critical of sex-positive feminism, and I think that’s incredibly important as someone who regularly looks at my sexual life choices, my position in the pornographic community and my own sexual politics, but the main criticism of sex-positivity (including her main criticism) is unbelievably disempowering; we are sexually enthusiastic and performative not because we as women want to be, but because the patriarchy has forced us to be this way. We can’t possibly truly consent or be unharmed by our “kinks” because this is all a construct meant to keep women down. Our pleasure isn’t real, particularly if it relates to male pleasure or anything that could seem like female subjugation… Particularly porn. To this I say: and?

This may be sound rhetoric. In some ways, I have no doubt that it’s at least somewhat true, but what are we supposed to do about it? Should all women retreat from sex and go generations without it until we can finally create our own sexual dialogue, free from patriarchy? That doesn’t sound very realistic. A much better way is to be active in sexual communities and concepts, making room for women to negotiate the complexities of being women having sex in our culture. We can be kinky, make porn and enjoy our sexuality on a superficial level without ignorance of the framework in which we’re doing so.

Sex-positivity should never be about saying that it’s wrong to not like sex, not like porn or not like certain aspects of our sexual culture, but it is to say that we can’t ultimately shut it down because of the condition it was in when we got here… We just need to be allowed to enjoy it as we can and derive pleasure while trying to gain back some of the power that has historically been kept from us. It’s not compulsory to participate, it’s just important to respect the choices of those who do…

The reason I bring this up is chiefly because, as we’re on a porn adjacent site, we’re in a centre of sex-positivity, and a lot of people seem to assume that goes without critical thought and analysis. We truly try to focus on being intelligent about the way we present our porn and to be the most encouraging and friendly to our audience. As a marketer, I hope we’re doing a good job at this.