Do you tend to go back to the same oral sex positions over and over again? There’s something to be said for having the old standard, but it’s nice to switch things up and try something new. This article on Kinkly by the Redhead Bedhead is all about different ways to enjoy oral sex. I’ve included two of my favourite positions: deep throating by hanging your head over the end of the bed and having your partner approach from a standing position, and laying back and having your partner sit on your face in a reverse 69 position for cunnilingus. There are many more than these, but they’re an excellent jumping off point. What’s your favourite position?
Piper is playing the long game. This makes her sound devious or conniving, but she’s not. She’s just not in this for short-term gain. Sure, it’s fun to see how quickly she can make someone come using every trick in the book, but there’s something so gratifying about waiting, teasing, drawing it out until you absolutely can’t stand it anymore. It’s a mix of giving you exactly what you want and taking it away in equal measure, just when you’re right at the brink. It’s kind of like edging, but not quite as deliberate… She’s just enjoying the natural ebb and flow of her motions and what they do to you. Are they driving you wild with desire? Good. That’s only the beginning. Slow and steady wins the race, especially when she varies the pace.
I have a confession to make: I’m not having sex right now. At all. I’m taking a break from dating while I do some Sophie-related soul searching, and this includes even the casual, easy ongoing fling I’ve had for the past… Almost year. With a boy I really liked who suited my tastes and weirdnesses to a T… But, that’s neither here nor there. It is HARD, and the fact that I write about sex and spend a tremendous amount of my day around porn has made sure that my mind is on it even more than it already would be, but do you know what? That’s okay. I’m doing the best thing I know to do for myself right now, as suggested by my very innovative and persuasive therapist. All this is temporary, and it should lead to a happier me, if a super sexually frustrated me over the next few months. It’s been a week, but a rough one.
The main reason I’m doing this is because I want to look at the reasons I’m intimate and make sure they’re actually making me happy and making my life better instead of worse. Neutral would be okay too, but definitely not worse. Well, wouldn’t you know that the university just a few blocks away from me (University of Toronto – site of the Feminist Porn Conference!) is in the process of studying why people have sex and how that rates in terms of satisfaction and well-being? They’re only doing this work with couples (for now) so I’m not likely to become a lab rat for them, but at least I can look at their findings and apply them to my life, and perhaps to yours as well!
They found that when you’re having sex for positive reasons, you’re likely to have a much better time than if you’re having sex for negative reasons. This may seem obvious, but I don’t think it’s something people put much stock in. Positive reasons like increasing intimacy and connection or feeling better about yourself are more inclined to put you in touch with your partner and yourself and revelling in your sensuality together for its own sake, whereas doing it because you feel like you should or because it will smooth over a fight… Not so much. Wifely duties shouldn’t be a thing, and that goes for any other partnerly duties, too. A slave to duty is just that… And if you’re going to be a slave, you better have a safeword!
Sex is a wonderful thing, and we should all be having more of it (though not me right now, I guess) but it’s valuable to take a step back and make sure we’re feeling good about what’s going on. There’s something to be said for giving pleasure rather than focusing only on receiving it, for rallying and for making a concerted effort to promote intimacy, but there’s work on the self that must be done to ensure that this is a positive choice rather than self-coersion. You shouldn’t ever have to talk yourself into sex. That’s very different than making time for it or making it a priority. By checking in with ourselves, we’ll be able to enjoy it infinitely more.
How can you be positively sex-positive? There are lots of ways to express it, but Rachel Rabbit White of (among other things) The Frisky has a list of ways to be sure that you’re doing your best to encourage everyone in your life (including yourself) to enjoy sex in whatever ways they want. There are 8, but I wanted to share a few of my favourites:
1. “Having sex is healthy, but so is not having sex.” I try to emphasize this over and over again. There are so many ways to be sensual with yourself… Watching porn and taking your time with it can be a really amazing way of exploring that. I don’t ever want to use language that makes it seem like you need a significant other to have a good time. But also, you don’t even need to be sexual at all if you don’t want to be. Granted, you’re not likely going to be finding my sites if you don’t at least like a little quality solo time, but there is no requirement to do so in life. Sexuality should be live and let live. No one should feel weird for doing what feels right, as long as everyone is consenting!
3. “Slut-shaming also means shaming people who are more “out of the box” with their sexuality than you.” This should go without saying… I try not to speak ill about the lengths that anyone goes to when it comes to sharing or exploring their sexuality. That may seem obvious, since I make porn, but I try not to be negative about the people who make more mainstream porn, even though it’s not my personal route. I may not always agree with the business of big, mainstream porn, but I would never judge the personal choice to appear in it. The more we try to step back from big, overarching snap judgments, the more likely we are to open our minds and understand (or at least accept) what we were initially wary of.
8. “Intimacy is complex.” This is certainly one that I need to check in with myself about. I try to lead by example and talk about communication and show how that has positively impacted my life with Mike, but I also don’t want to assume that it’s this easy for everyone. You, as well as any partners you might have or have had, have different experiences than mine. I’m lucky that so many of you share your lives with me and I get to give my two cents from time to time. All I can do is try to be understanding and see where you’re coming from when your experiences of intimacy are different than mine.
What are some steps or thoughts that have helped you to be more open and non-judgmental about sex and sexuality?
I didn’t want to let this slip any of you by… You know that I love cooking things up, but the kitchen is much more than just a place of culinary creation for me. Mike and I had some blisteringly hot sex on the kitchen table and it’s front and centre on a recent update to my brand new site: Waves of Heat.
Even though it’s starting to get chillier in Montreal, the kitchen is always pretty hot with the amount of cooking that goes on here, but yet we found a way to kick it up a few more degrees. I stretched out on the table and hiked up my shirt to expose my breasts as he slammed into me over and over again. To up the ante, I started playing with myself, feeling unbelievably turned on by the mix of beautiful stimulation.
It’s wonderful that we both know our bodies so well, because it lead to a really unbelievable orgasm which you can hear loud and clear, ringing out as the video comes to an end. I’d love to know what you thought about this one… Do you like the primal, almost animalistic hunger that comes from throwing down and having sex outside where it’s usually situated? I know I do!
You like sex, don’t you? Well, you probably wouldn’t be here if you weren’t at least intrigued by the concept. Cracked has 4 tips to help men get more sex, but it’s not at all what you think or what you might expect from them. I think a lot of people think of Cracked as pure comedy, and in many ways it is, but this is comedic advice with a heavy dose of reminding men to treat women with respect.
Their points are as follows: treat her with respect forever, don’t JUST be nice — be an interesting human being, don’t think that sex is owed to you and, perhaps most poignantly, don’t read advice on how to get women/have more sex. This is some really great and nuanced advice couched in hilarious references to everything from a fake Robocop script to anthropomorphized ice cream treats. It occasionally veers into fake misogynist lingo, reading like the usual sex tips that men get, but it’s actually just very positive and woman-friendly concepts being fed to people who might not be expecting it.
What do you think of this? What if we infiltrated all sorts of traditional vestiges of manliness? Is this a spoon full of sugar to help the medicine go down, or is this hiding the medicine in something so they’ll not even realize it until it’s too late? By medicine, I mean realistic sex and relationship advice that goes against what men are usually taught. Maybe we could extend this to women’s magazines, too! But who knows if you could continue to sell issue after issue and get the hits you need if you were always talking about respect… Maybe you could! Thoughts?