Tag Archives: Opinion

Men’s Sexuality

I think this is really fascinating video that I found through the Good Men Project, especially for the first question she asked because I don’t believe I’ve asked it directly here before, which I’ll get to later…  Author Elana Millman took to the streets of Canada, it seems, because of the snow and some fairly Eastern Canadian-sounding accents…  So I guess we’re getting an in depth look at what (probably) Canadian men think about their sexuality!

The big thing I took away from this video is that, despite the diversity of the way men approach sex and their own sexuality, they all have the same general desired outcome.  This is really helpful information for someone like me who is trying to make something which is of course authentic to myself and my relationship, but also accessible to the people watching it.  This isn’t to say that we know any more about women’s sexuality than we do men’s , but it’s good to know where they stand!

When talking about porn, they pointed to the ideas of “obliterated intimacy” or becoming completely desensitized to sexuality because of it.  Of course, the undercurrent is that they were mostly talking about typical mainstream porn, but I can definitely see what they were getting at.  There are some definite assumptions about sex, emotion and women…  I’m not sure that women use porn for different reasons all the time, but that there actually might be more similarities than they think.

But then on the other hand, even though they see the capacity for problems, porn is still something they use to set the mood.  So, it’s clear that it serves a purpose, but they just wish they had more options away from typical degradation, especially when it comes to spicing things up with a woman.  Sounds like a job for beautiful porn!

Many of them are champions of honest, direct communication.  It’s really heartening to see that a random cross-section of men would be able to identify how important that is for themselves and for their partners.

They did a brief segment about talking to friends about sex, which is something we’ve spoken about here before.  They didn’t specifically mention talking to female friends, though, which was the really interesting trend that emerged here.

So, I wanted to ask one thing to close, which is actually the opening question of the video: how did you first learn about your sexuality, and do you think it has framed the way you approach relationships, porn and sex in general?

Better Pornstar Sex Advice

Wow, I really think that people should talk to pornstars and really ask them questions more often…  Like Fleshbot does.  They’re smart, funny and thoughtful and they know a whole lot more than most of the people spouting advice about sex…  What lovely women (and James Deen) with intelligent, important things to say about porn and sex…  And the actual difference between the two.  I didn’t know a ton about many of these performers before, but getting them to speak honestly about sex is a surefire way to endear them and help people understand them better.

Stoya is just awesome.  She preaches openness, trying things, exploring…  She knows that there are no definite sex tips, just a ton of value in personal and interpersonal exploration!

Chanel Preston and Jelena Jensen bring up the fact that there is no one right move, even in blowjobs.  It doesn’t matter whether it’s on a man or a woman…  Techniques are nice, but everyone likes something different.  James Deen agrees in his usual comical way.

Angela Sommers, Brandi Love and Dana DeArmond both talk about loving yourself first.  Make yourself feel sexy, take the time to treat yourself with respect, know and accept your body…  You have to love yourself before you can love somebody else, and that includes sexually.  We should relax and embrace what we have.

Taylor Stevens and Lexi Lowe preach the ability to communicate, both explicitly and implicitly.  Whether it’s about making your desires known or watching body language and subtle moments, it just makes sex better.

Kayden Kross and Brooklyn Lee speak on my favourite subject: blowjobs.  Don’t do it like you see it in porn!  It’s not a shark attack!  You don’t have to always deep throat and go incredibly hard and force it as hard as you can.  There’s value in sensuality and focusing on lots of different feelings!  (I couldn’t agree more!)

Kayden also brings up the most valuable thing of all…  Don’t try this at home.  They do things that look interesting, not necessarily ones that feel good.  So really, don’t go for the big showy moves unless you know that’s what your partner wants.

Lily Labeau is incredibly evocative, talking about all the ways to tease and explore, worship your body and your partner’s body…  Especially when getting someone turned out and wet enough is what you’re after.

And even that darling Stormy Daniels with a very important tidbit at the end, which made me laugh out loud.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get the video up here, but you should check it out and let me know what you think about all of this advice!

Awful Sex Advice for Men!

Outperform her vibrator?  Really, Men’s Health?  That is a pretty disappointing choice for a title.  I understand the sentiment behind it…  We want to be the best lovers we can be to our partners, but this isn’t exactly man vs. machine.  The robot overlords aren’t going to take over one Hitachi at a time.  Well, maybe they are, but we can’t assume that.  You need sources!  Journalistic integrity!


Just as I try to comfort people who can’t make their partners come/or come themselves from blowjobs, there’s no reason to fear assistance.  Everybody needs different stimulation to have an orgasm.  Sure, people say you can try to vary your techniques to become less dependent on a particular way you’ve gotten used to, but not everyone can or even wants to, and that’s okay.


I think it’s really important to be excited about pleasing your partner and making them feel as good as you possibly can by being creative and enthusiastic, but that doesn’t mean competition with other, more direct stimulation.  Besides…  If you can hold the vibrator, you’re part of the process!


What do you think?  Do you ever feel the need to be better than a vibrator/her hands?  I understand that those kinds of feelings are really natural, but I don’t think that sensational article titles address the issue.  And, for what it’s worth, their fifth point was actually the best…  Just leave her alone.  Seeing a woman have an orgasm is sexy, right?  Feeling good is what we’re all after.  :)

Sex Appeal to Fight Breast Cancer


This video has been making the rounds on the internet, and largely to very positive response, but I’m wondering what you think of it…  It’s interesting, because so much of this kind of advertising focuses much more on breasts than on talking to the women themselves.  Or, if they are talking to the women, then it’s in more of a serious tone.  So, this feels like quite a change.


That said, and this question goes out to the ladies and the men, how do you feel about seeing men being the ones objectified?  Though the standard hunky muscle man isn’t so much my cup of tea, I definitely understand the appeal.  ;)  Instead of “save the boobies”, we’re creating incentives for women to get excited about taking their health into their own hands, so to speak.  If a scantily clad man will help, so much the better, right?


What do you think?  Does this make you feel like fair is fair and now we’re looking at men the way we long have at women, or do you think there’s a better way to get the message across without using sex to sell when it comes to something this serious?  Is there ever anything too serious for sex?  ;)  I’m very curious…  If nothing else…  Enjoy the video!  :P

Reciprocity and Feeling Wanted

Licking as part of a beautiful 69 blowjob with gorgeous redhead Camille Crimson


I know we’ve discussed this in a way here before, but I read a really great little article/opinion piece about it on xoJane and I think it always (always!) is worth repeating and thinking about.  We’re here because we enjoy blowjobs, of course, but we can’t forget about the love of cunnilingus too.


Emily from xoJane is wondering if there is as big a dearth of reciprocity as she has heard in the dating world.  As much as I obviously adore blowjobs, there should be no expectations for pleasure without the desire to give it back in some way.  Of course, not everyone even likes receiving oral sex that much (yes, they exist) but, as she so expertly put it: “I don’t always want you to eat my pussy, but I want you to want to eat my pussy, you know?”


That’s the main thing…  We all want to feel desired and to feel like our partner is so into us that they want to be close to our body, intimately connected and wanting to do anything to just get closer and closer and closer.  It’s not just about equality or politeness or a lack of selfishness…  We just want to know how badly we’re wanted.  It’s a beautiful cycle, ideally.  We show we want each other, we feel wanted, we want to share more…  It’s a lovely way to get what we need and create more intimacy and connection along the way.


Do you agree?  What are the reasons you give pleasure?  (I’m assuming you do… You do, right?)

Porn for Women

XKCD Comic on porn for women


The above comic is from XKCD, and I couldn’t agree more.


Recently there has been a whole lot of talk about porn for women.  But what does that actually mean?  People imagine things about the way the porn is shot, the idea of having a storyline, softer imagery, more romance…  There’s nothing wrong with that kind of porn, except that it’s not something for ALL women, and there are a lot of men who like that kind of porn.  So, that’s not really porn for WOMEN, is it?


A lot of people include the stipulation that porn for women has to show lots of woman-centric pleasure.  Does that mean that The Art of Blowjob or Slow Motion Blowjob could never be porn for women because it focuses (on the surface, anyways) on man-oriented pleasure?  I certainly don’t think so.


Women like all kinds of different things.  Some like the soft, romantic kind of porn that mainstream porn companies expect them to, but a lot also like much harder stuff or specific niches that may not seem woman-friendly at all.  To assume that all women like one thing is just as damaging as assuming that all men like one thing, which is what has created the need for “porn for women” (if there is such a need) in the first place!  If we hadn’t created a porn industry that thinks that all men only want hardcore porn without any nuance, emotion or artistry, we wouldn’t have to ascribe those qualities to women by default.


So, what’s the alternative?  I think there’s lots of value in “romance porn” which is a legitimate genre that can appeal to both men and women.  Same with glam, beautiful porn, story-driven porn, softcore porn…  All of those things are valid without attaching them solely to women.  It makes it seem like porn with training wheels for us delicate women.  Treating your growing audience that way is not the best way to endear them to porn, especially if many of them gravitate towards other kinds of porn.


Instead, I think that porn performers, directors, companies and blogs should reach out to women and making it clear that women are part of the audience and the conversation.  Using respectful language about women (or at least explaining that it’s fantasy when they don’t) and not making assumptions that everyone watching porn is a guy will be a great step towards making women feel included in porn viewership.  I’m sure there are lots of other things to do, but I have this conversation a lot with a lot of people and it seems like making women feel included from the ground up is important to get to actually understanding what, if anything, unifies women in the way they approach porn.


What do you think?  Do we need “porn for women” or is that just all porn?