I have a confession to make: I’m not having sex right now. At all. I’m taking a break from dating while I do some Sophie-related soul searching, and this includes even the casual, easy ongoing fling I’ve had for the past… Almost year. With a boy I really liked who suited my tastes and weirdnesses to a T… But, that’s neither here nor there. It is HARD, and the fact that I write about sex and spend a tremendous amount of my day around porn has made sure that my mind is on it even more than it already would be, but do you know what? That’s okay. I’m doing the best thing I know to do for myself right now, as suggested by my very innovative and persuasive therapist. All this is temporary, and it should lead to a happier me, if a super sexually frustrated me over the next few months. It’s been a week, but a rough one.
The main reason I’m doing this is because I want to look at the reasons I’m intimate and make sure they’re actually making me happy and making my life better instead of worse. Neutral would be okay too, but definitely not worse. Well, wouldn’t you know that the university just a few blocks away from me (University of Toronto – site of the Feminist Porn Conference!) is in the process of studying why people have sex and how that rates in terms of satisfaction and well-being? They’re only doing this work with couples (for now) so I’m not likely to become a lab rat for them, but at least I can look at their findings and apply them to my life, and perhaps to yours as well!
They found that when you’re having sex for positive reasons, you’re likely to have a much better time than if you’re having sex for negative reasons. This may seem obvious, but I don’t think it’s something people put much stock in. Positive reasons like increasing intimacy and connection or feeling better about yourself are more inclined to put you in touch with your partner and yourself and revelling in your sensuality together for its own sake, whereas doing it because you feel like you should or because it will smooth over a fight… Not so much. Wifely duties shouldn’t be a thing, and that goes for any other partnerly duties, too. A slave to duty is just that… And if you’re going to be a slave, you better have a safeword!
Sex is a wonderful thing, and we should all be having more of it (though not me right now, I guess) but it’s valuable to take a step back and make sure we’re feeling good about what’s going on. There’s something to be said for giving pleasure rather than focusing only on receiving it, for rallying and for making a concerted effort to promote intimacy, but there’s work on the self that must be done to ensure that this is a positive choice rather than self-coersion. You shouldn’t ever have to talk yourself into sex. That’s very different than making time for it or making it a priority. By checking in with ourselves, we’ll be able to enjoy it infinitely more.
I love learning a few sexy new facts, and I like them even better when a few of them are entirely focused on what goes on in the mind. After all, as much as the physical is very, very fun, a tremendous amount of it is informed by what goes on in your brain. So, two aspects really intrigued me about Jezebel’s recent little roundup on sexual findings.
The first thing that really pinged to me is exactly how many men fake orgasms… Apparently it’s up to 67% when it comes to divorced men. Obviously there’s a lot of talk about women faking and the reasons around that, but there’s also a lot of expectation put on men to be able to have orgasms… It’s linked to virility, but it’s also seen as manly to want lots of sex and to be able to come on demand, but not too soon or too slowly. Sometimes it’s just not going to happen. So, I have to ask… Have any of you (divorced or otherwise!) ever faked an orgasm? What was your reasoning, or what keeps you from doing it?
The other thing that sounded incredibly cool here is that women (though maybe men too) are able to get aroused, sometimes to the brink of orgasm, just by imagining being stimulated. The brain is a sex organ, but it may actually be able to arouse us right through various stages of desire and fulfillment. Has anything like this ever happened to you? I know that I can imagine my nipples being played with and I can experience some pretty intense sensations… And I certainly salivate before I’m ever around a penis if I’m thinking about a really visceral blowjob experience… It’s pretty phenomenal. How about you?
What this really means is that we can and should be thinking more… Fantasizing, letting our minds wander and experiencing that as part of our sexual expression both alone and with a partner. It can make for more arousal, more orgasms… Even though the latter is definitely not the be all and end all. It’s just about enjoying yourself, whatever form that takes.
You all know I love cum. Absolutely I do! How could I be so enthusiastic about cumshots and facials and swallowing if I didn’t love it? That said, I think there’s such a thing as going to far in terms of pride about your own cum. It’s good to feel confident about your body’s output and know that there’s nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to your orgasm and your sperm, but there’s no need to hoard it and keep it all to yourself or to think that only a select few are worthy of it.
See, there’s an article on Jezebel all about a pickup artist called LaidNYC who thinks his cum is too good for women over a certain age, women who have had more than a small handful of sex partners, women who aren’t exactly feminine to his likings all the time… I say there’s nothing wrong with holding out to have sex with a person who suits you, but there’s no trait (asides from being horribly cruel, perhaps) that should ever make someone unworthy of your cum. Share the love!
Cum is special and precious, but it’s a renewable resource! So, don’t listen to this guy. If you like someone, share your cum, even if she’s older or experienced or behaves like a human being. It’ll be fun for both of you, and you get to decide what that means. Wear a condom and get consent, of course, but outside of that, you make the rules together! Just because it’s your DNA doesn’t mean it can’t be enjoyed and enjoyed regularly!
What do NASA, an iPhone and breasts have in common? Apparently when you put the three together, you get the perfect fit for the perfect bra. This is the future! Finally, a good use for science and technology! (Kidding… Mostly.) Thirdlove is a new clothing company that developed an app with a crack team of scientists (NASA scientists!) to help figure out what size bra you should actually be wearing. This is an issue for a lot of women, and when your breasts feel secure, so does the rest of you.
How does it work? Well, that’s where the iPhone comes in. (And the breasts… The breasts are necessary for the process.) You take a photo of your figure (which doesn’t need to be NSFW) with your iPhone and it will create a 3D image which goes through their software to find your perfect size… And then pushes you towards the store’s site so you can buy your perfect bra.
This got me thinking… What if there was an app where men could take pictures of their erect penises and it would deliver the perfect angles and techniques for their specific penis shape/size? And then, of course, it would push them towards The Art of Blowjob so that they (and their partners) can learn exactly how to be pleased. What about that? I guess photo confidentiality would be a concern, but it seems like a lot of guys are all too willing to share penis pictures regardless. So… Is this a billion dollar idea? Should I get my own team of NASA blowjob scientists? Do you think it’d fly in the app store?
So far it’s mostly been tested with rats, but based on my own experience, I’d say it to be true. I certainly feel a kind of post-orgasmic mental clarity (after feeling stunned for a minute or two) and I think the ongoing orgasms have kept me sharp and vibrant and, most of all, happy. Being a giver of orgasms, I could see it as a science of sort, though I much prefer to think of it as an art, of course.
How about you? Do you feel more clever, focused or in control of your mental faculties after a good orgasm? Do you feel foggier before one, or maybe just singularly focused on sex? Do you think that an orgasm a day (or more) could lead to a more engaged, maybe even more intelligent society?
Sometimes I just want the world to stop jumping to all sorts of conclusions, particularly about sex and our bodies. This article from Jezebel is the latest example, and it practically makes me shudder, and certainly makes my heart go out to all sorts of people who have these misguided assumptions about themselves or their prospective partners… This is particularly about one woman’s decision to circumcise her child because she wanted him to get blowjobs when he grows up, assuming that someone with a foreskin would be less likely to get them because of prejudices against the uncircumcised in North America… Seriously?
To anyone who thinks this could be true: it isn’t. Any person who you would want to suck your penis would not think this. Scrub good, of course, but that’s universal. Everyone should make sure to smell/taste good, but having a foreskin requires what? A few more seconds of washing? It’s not that tough. They’re retractible, they don’t get in the way, if anything they give a little more to play with… There’s no shame in being circumcised or uncircumcised.
Everyone has their reasons for choosing whether or not to circumcise their child, but this consideration should absolutely not be an issue. All it does is further the notion that it’ll be harder to get blowjobs with a foreskin, and we shouldn’t be floating that idea around or giving it any kind of credibility. It’s giving great penises a bad name, and no one needs any more sexual or body-related shame in their life!
What do you think? Is there any validity to this kind of thinking? Has anything like this ever crossed your mind? Or did this article make you hopping mad or frustrated?