Tag Archives: good men project

5 Things About Men

This is a piece from the Good Men Project that I’ve had on the back burner for a while and I figured it’d be a nice contrast from yesterday’s silly and sweet video. This is a collection of five things about men that women don’t necessarily know or understand, and I think it’s a good one. It shows a lot about the things we expect from men in society, plus a little humour because, well, you have to lighten things up a tad.

What maybe stuck out most for me was the first item: that men don’t receive enough compliments. That’s really sad. I try to give as good as I get with Mike because I want him to know that I feel lucky to have him, so I want to make him feel handsome and smart and capable with my words. I unfortunately understand how rare this is. We assume compliments are for women, who are meant to be pretty, and forget that reassurance and kindness can be good for everyone. Have you experienced a noticeable lack of compliments in your life? Do you think that this impacts your self-esteem and maybe even makes it harder to feel comfortable in your body and your sex life?

The other segments ring true along the same veins… Men aren’t all about appearance, there’s a lot innate in their nature that they have to fight against and that there are unfair standards to which they are held as well, specifically having to do with financial success. We think so often that there are these absolutes about men and women, and they hurt all of us. I hope that you’ll read this as men and feel a little more understood and free to be more yourselves. I hope that women read this and remember that we’re all impacted by the way society expects us to behave and we could all do well to be more aware of it.

I like to talk about how to make men feel more sexually confident a lot here, showing that there’s nothing wrong with their bodies, their sexualities, their desires… But I think that showing understanding of other sides of what it is to be a man can really help with that. How about you? What do you think? Oh, and as for the fifth segment… Have you ever been given a hard time for adjusting yourself? :P

Sexual Epiphany

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Stroking and smiling with my eyes as I point your cock into my mouth

This piece from Good Men Project really piqued my attention, so I figured I’d share and see if you felt the same way. The idea is that, while a lot of relationships end up lacking in sexual passion, it’s not exclusively the fault of the person who is seen as holding back or withholding sex.

In fact, it’s not just about relationships, really. It’s just a shift of consciousness where the sexuality is in our hands, regardless of anyone else. Steve Horsmon (the author) said it best:

The sexual epiphany I am talking about is the point in a man’s life when thinking, wondering, and worrying changes into leading, romancing and enjoying. This epiphany does not just happen with age. It must be earned. It is simple but not easy. If it were easy, every guy would be doing it and would be happy with his sex life.

Regardless of whether it’s a man or a woman having this epiphany, I think it’s pretty important, and even outside of sex. It’s the realization that no one else is responsible for your happiness if you’re not willing to be an active participant too. You create your own magnetism by being genuinely excited about life, about yourself and about your partner. I think it’s a pretty lovely way to live.

What do you think? Do you think this all sounds to simple, or are there nuggets of truth in there? Read the rest of the article and let me know!

Men’s Sexuality

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I think this is really fascinating video that I found through the Good Men Project, especially for the first question she asked because I don’t believe I’ve asked it directly here before, which I’ll get to later… Author Elana Millman took to the streets of Canada, it seems, because of the snow and some fairly Eastern Canadian-sounding accents… So I guess we’re getting an in depth look at what (probably) Canadian men think about their sexuality!

The big thing I took away from this video is that, despite the diversity of the way men approach sex and their own sexuality, they all have the same general desired outcome. This is really helpful information for someone like me who is trying to make something which is of course authentic to myself and my relationship, but also accessible to the people watching it. This isn’t to say that we know any more about women’s sexuality than we do men’s , but it’s good to know where they stand!

When talking about porn, they pointed to the ideas of “obliterated intimacy” or becoming completely desensitized to sexuality because of it. Of course, the undercurrent is that they were mostly talking about typical mainstream porn, but I can definitely see what they were getting at. There are some definite assumptions about sex, emotion and women… I’m not sure that women use porn for different reasons all the time, but that there actually might be more similarities than they think.

But then on the other hand, even though they see the capacity for problems, porn is still something they use to set the mood. So, it’s clear that it serves a purpose, but they just wish they had more options away from typical degradation, especially when it comes to spicing things up with a woman. Sounds like a job for beautiful porn!

Many of them are champions of honest, direct communication. It’s really heartening to see that a random cross-section of men would be able to identify how important that is for themselves and for their partners.

They did a brief segment about talking to friends about sex, which is something we’ve spoken about here before. They didn’t specifically mention talking to female friends, though, which was the really interesting trend that emerged here.

So, I wanted to ask one thing to close, which is actually the opening question of the video: how did you first learn about your sexuality, and do you think it has framed the way you approach relationships, porn and sex in general?

On Intimacy

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TV and a sensual blowjob from Camille Crimson.

I recently read a really interesting piece on Good Men Project all about intimacy, specifically with regards to men, but I think it can be applicable to just about anyone. In it, the author (Dan Griffin) talks about the idea of a “sex funnel” that all affection ultimately passes through. Even though this is a funny image, I can see where he’s coming from.

He means that men are taught to experience all kinds of closeness as somehow being related to sex. If you’re cuddling or kissing, it means that sex is close behind. If you’re a heterosexual man who feels close to another guy, you have to qualify it or explain it away somehow so it doesn’t come off as gay. There’s all sorts of expectation that men are all about sex all the time (as well as the idea that women don’t) that makes us feel like we’re not allowed to be complete people with lots of different ways of interacting.

I find this all pretty fascinating, especially coming from a philosophy that sex and closeness should be more linked both in porn and in life. We see such cold representations of sex in porn that we even further miss the idea of intimacy and feelings to the point where some mainstream porn could almost be seen to suggest that there really is no place for affection anywhere, at least in the confines of some of their videos.

As someone who clearly thinks about sex a lot, much of my affection does naturally become sexual with Mike, but I can think of so many other relationships in my life where that’s not the case, and I think that I experience them fully. Maybe this is linked to that paranoid notion that people who are attracted to each other’s genders can never be “just” friends. As someone who has made a lot of friends online over the years with lots of great guys, there’s definitely a way, even when there is an element of sharing my sexuality too…

This is all so interesting to think about, but what do you think? Do you see examples of how the close moments in your life invariably turn to sex? Or do you enjoy your platonic experiences based on closeness and connection without the expectation of anything else? And, for my own personal curiousity, do you think any of this does or doesn’t apply when talking here with me on the blog?

10 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Porn

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True love's blowjob by Camille Crimson

Sometimes you read something and you just want to print out billions of copies and put it on every sign post in the world. This is one of those pieces. Good Men Project is good for beautifully thoughtful works like this. I think I’ve said many of these things myself, as have many others, but it is so wonderful to see them all put together concisely and clearly as a warning to future generations and a remedy to those who have already been exposed to porn.

I should mention, of course, that by porn I mean mainstream porn. I don’t think many of these can be applied to more thoughtfully crafted adult content, but some of it is universal. This post made me want to look at how what I do fits in with these points. (You can see all the points a few paragraphs into the article.)

I think that I try to be pretty clear when I talk about how no two people are the same and that you need to be open to trying lots of things instead of sticking to one idea of how sex is supposed to look. And when we shoot, we do try to shoot more from the point of pleasure than about what looks dynamic on screen, though the dynamism of a blowjob was part of why we were so eager to make The Art of Blowjob.

Even though I guess you could say that a blowjob is pretty firm in gender roles, the blowjobs I give are about an equal playing field and about the natural give and take that comes with a really connected sexual experience, so hopefully that imparts a different standard. As for bodies and pubic hair being beautiful, we’re just one couple, so we can only be who we are, but in terms of variety of pubic styles and being a great example of an average sized man in porn, Mike does an excellent job of covering that ground!

When it comes to “no” being an important part of sex (as in voicing the things that don’t work for you) that’s more of a saying than doing thing. Whenever I talk about anything to do with sexuality and relationships, I talk about communication, and being clear about what works or doesn’t work for you is a huge part of that.

I can confidently say that we show love. That’s one point I’m rock solid on. :)

Because of the nature of porn, we do kind of jump into the sexiness, but there’s always an element of seduction and some might consider everything we do foreplay! Especially with Slow Motion Blowjob, we’re trying to emphasize a luxurious experience. They joy is the ride, even just while watching.

I can’t help that I’m a redhead who loves giving blowjobs, but I can hope that people don’t fixate too much on those specifics and go out with an open mind to find many things sexy…

What about you? What are the things you wish someone had told you about porn, mainstream or otherwise? I’ve certainly gone on long enough here… Now it’s your turn.

I’m on Good Men Project!

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This is really exciting. I’ve been wanting to spread out a bit into the mainstream world to voice my thoughts for a while, and sharing my message on Good Men Project is a great first step. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the site, it’s essentially focused on a bunch of different topics and issues helping to be a good man. Whether that’s fatherhood, masculinity, sexuality, relating to women… It’s all there, explained through thoughtful articles.

I was lucky enough to get to tackle blowjobs and respect, which is something I come back to a lot as an idea. I’ve written about how to receive a blowjob in a few different lights, but this is definitely my most thorough look at how to be a good guy who also enjoys and gets lots of blowjobs. I tried to touch on various roadblocks, whether they’re personal, related to partners, related to different desires… Through exploring various aspects of receiving a blowjob, I tried to give concrete examples of how to communicate what you want and get it while still being seen as a “good man.”

I would really love feedback on this, because it feels like quite a departure for me. I love that, as a porn person, I can still share my thoughts on such a high-brow site… Read the article and let me know what you think, or if it raises any questions… I’m happy to answer them, of course. The more I learn from you, the more I have to share when I get these great writing opportunities.