Tag Archives: good men project

Encouraging Safe Exploration

There have certainly been a number of lovely articles coming from men who get it over on Good Men Project, and this one is absolutely no exception.  This is a letter from a father to his daughter, understanding that she is going to have sex and wishing her well with it.  It’s a reaction to the idea that a dad should always be holding a loaded shotgun to threaten any boy who wants to date his perfect little princess…

Women, even younger women, should be able to explore at an age-appropriate level without feeling like their “purity” is being held back by someone other than herself.  This is true of young men too, of course (and anyone in between) but the stereotype is a man keeping his helpless daughter away from horny teenage boys.  Regardless, we really can’t control what other people do with their lives and their sexualities.  All we can do is encourage them to respect themselves and make safe(r) choices, educate them to the best of our abilities and provide a willing ear and a hug if/when things go wrong.  Really, this is not just about being a parent…  It’s for anyone who has anyone in their life…  You just have to live and let live.

Good for the author (Ferret Steinmetz) for being an encouraging, optimistic and kind father.  I hope that any of you with people in your life (whether it’s your kid, a family member, a friend, even a partner) who is venturing out into the unknown will take this great example and try to find ways to be supportive instead of limiting.  Have you ever had this kind of experience in your life, where you are worried for or feeling protective of someone?  How did it play out?  And, more specifically to the article, what do you think about this kind of approach to sexuality and parenting?

Demonizing Male Sexuality

sweet and sensual blowjob by redhead Camille Crimson

This is one of the best articles I’ve read on Good Men Project in a long time, and it actually links up nicely with our recent discussion about men feeling wanted vs. needed.  This is specifically about how men’s sexuality is always seen as aggressive, how they always have to be told to back off and stop and how all of this ends up hurting everyone involved, and I totally agree.

So much of why my sites focus on the give and take, the playfulness and the joy of mutual pleasure from giving/receiving pleasure and on being neutral as opposed to having either of us always in control…  I don’t like the idea that men are always in charge, or that a woman in charge is always a kinky thing.  Humans are so much more complex than that, and it leads to bad things when men have all the responsibility, and certainly when women are intimidated by men sexually because of it.

I think that so many of the people here in this community are gentle men, or at least men who are capable of being gentle.  There are so many parts of our society who default to thinking men are always brutish, especially in sex.  This collective alone shows that this is not the only case.  But how do we spread that to everyone else?  Well, this article has 5 really great steps to do exactly that.  They want men to be allies to women in their struggles, they want men to communicate actively and listen, to be open instead of always trying to play games or seduce us by the book, to be reasonable and understanding when rejection happens and to find ways to feel beautiful in a world that doesn’t hold male beauty in high regard.

A lot of these things have been touched on here, and I think that’s wonderful.  I’m wondering, how many of you feel impacted by this notion of male sexuality as demonized?  How has this experience impacted the way you have sex, the way you see yourself as sexual and the way you interact with people in other ways?

Wanting and Needing Men

Today, I stumbled upon an article from Good Men Project about the distinction between wanting and needing men.  It’s largely about the way women have “caught up” to men socially, and how men don’t know who they are anymore without their traditional roles to provide for and protect…  Now that we have rights (Here. I’m not saying we have achieved equality, especially not in many other parts of the world…) and can handle things ourselves without society getting in the way, there’s been a crisis of masculinity.

All of that is important, and something we’ve discussed here in the past, but what really got me was the idea of how men have to feel needed because they don’t feel wanted.  This is especially relevant for me in a sexual context.  Even when people talk about how women “need” men sexually, it’s always about either procreation or some primal need, not a more surface, pleasure-based need.  And that’s sad.  We’re taught that women are beautiful and to be desired, and men aren’t, outside of the men we’ve deemed “the hottest” according to magazine rankings, of course.  ;)

Even in porn, men don’t get to be the candy.  Sure, we can say that’s because most porn is still aimed at heterosexual men, but I think it’s valuable for there to be focus on the sexiness of a man. I love to make Mike feel sexy and wanted.  It’s nice to feel deeply desired.  It may come off as aggressive for a woman to intensely desire a man, but I try to show in every video we make just how much I want Mike.  It’s not just a biological thing…  I find him sexy.  I feel that visceral draw to him.  And I make that known as much as I can.

It’s sexy to have this back and forth, and I really hope that more people adopt it.  It’s good for self-esteem, it’s good for furthering equality and it’s good for really beautiful sexual experiences.  What do you think?  Do you feel desired?  Do you desire?  Is this something you want in your life?  Or, even something you need?

5 Things About Men

This is a piece from the Good Men Project that I’ve had on the back burner for a while and I figured it’d be a nice contrast from yesterday’s silly and sweet video.  This is a collection of five things about men that women don’t necessarily know or understand, and I think it’s a good one.  It shows a lot about the things we expect from men in society, plus a little humour because, well, you have to lighten things up a tad.

What maybe stuck out most for me was the first item: that men don’t receive enough compliments.  That’s really sad.  I try to give as good as I get with Mike because I want him to know that I feel lucky to have him, so I want to make him feel handsome and smart and capable with my words.  I unfortunately understand how rare this is.  We assume compliments are for women, who are meant to be pretty, and forget that reassurance and kindness can be good for everyone.  Have you experienced a noticeable lack of compliments in your life? Do you think that this impacts your self-esteem and maybe even makes it harder to feel comfortable in your body and your sex life?

The other segments ring true along the same veins…  Men aren’t all about appearance, there’s a lot innate in their nature that they have to fight against and that there are unfair standards to which they are held as well, specifically having to do with financial success.  We think so often that there are these absolutes about men and women, and they hurt all of us.  I hope that you’ll read this as men and feel a little more understood and free to be more yourselves.  I hope that women read this and remember that we’re all impacted by the way society expects us to behave and we could all do well to be more aware of it.

I like to talk about how to make men feel more sexually confident a lot here, showing that there’s nothing wrong with their bodies, their sexualities, their desires…  But I think that showing understanding of other sides of what it is to be a man can really help with that.  How about you?  What do you think?  Oh, and as for the fifth segment…  Have you ever been given a hard time for adjusting yourself?  :P

Sexual Epiphany

Stroking and smiling with my eyes as I point your cock into my mouth

This piece from Good Men Project really piqued my attention, so I figured I’d share and see if you felt the same way.  The idea is that, while a lot of relationships end up lacking in sexual passion, it’s not exclusively the fault of the person who is seen as holding back or withholding sex.

In fact, it’s not just about relationships, really.  It’s just a shift of consciousness where the sexuality is in our hands, regardless of anyone else.  Steve Horsmon (the author) said it best:

The sexual epiphany I am talking about is the point in a man’s life when thinking, wondering, and worrying changes into leading, romancing and enjoying. This epiphany does not just happen with age. It must be earned. It is simple but not easy. If it were easy, every guy would be doing it and would be happy with his sex life.

Regardless of whether it’s a man or a woman having this epiphany, I think it’s pretty important, and even outside of sex.  It’s the realization that no one else is responsible for your happiness if you’re not willing to be an active participant too.  You create your own magnetism by being genuinely excited about life, about yourself and about your partner.  I think it’s a pretty lovely way to live.

What do you think?  Do you think this all sounds to simple, or are there nuggets of truth in there?  Read the rest of the article and let me know!

Men’s Sexuality

I think this is really fascinating video that I found through the Good Men Project, especially for the first question she asked because I don’t believe I’ve asked it directly here before, which I’ll get to later…  Author Elana Millman took to the streets of Canada, it seems, because of the snow and some fairly Eastern Canadian-sounding accents…  So I guess we’re getting an in depth look at what (probably) Canadian men think about their sexuality!

The big thing I took away from this video is that, despite the diversity of the way men approach sex and their own sexuality, they all have the same general desired outcome.  This is really helpful information for someone like me who is trying to make something which is of course authentic to myself and my relationship, but also accessible to the people watching it.  This isn’t to say that we know any more about women’s sexuality than we do men’s , but it’s good to know where they stand!

When talking about porn, they pointed to the ideas of “obliterated intimacy” or becoming completely desensitized to sexuality because of it.  Of course, the undercurrent is that they were mostly talking about typical mainstream porn, but I can definitely see what they were getting at.  There are some definite assumptions about sex, emotion and women…  I’m not sure that women use porn for different reasons all the time, but that there actually might be more similarities than they think.

But then on the other hand, even though they see the capacity for problems, porn is still something they use to set the mood.  So, it’s clear that it serves a purpose, but they just wish they had more options away from typical degradation, especially when it comes to spicing things up with a woman.  Sounds like a job for beautiful porn!

Many of them are champions of honest, direct communication.  It’s really heartening to see that a random cross-section of men would be able to identify how important that is for themselves and for their partners.

They did a brief segment about talking to friends about sex, which is something we’ve spoken about here before.  They didn’t specifically mention talking to female friends, though, which was the really interesting trend that emerged here.

So, I wanted to ask one thing to close, which is actually the opening question of the video: how did you first learn about your sexuality, and do you think it has framed the way you approach relationships, porn and sex in general?