A group of leading female legislators have enacted a new bill that forbids American men from disposing of “unused” sperm, requiring them to bring any recreational semen to a nearby fertility clinic.
According to noted alternative facts specialist, Stephanie Yorke, sperm is intended for “procreation only” and not to be “wasted” on pleasure: “Any sperm not being used for the purpose of procreation must be immediately donated to a sperm bank,” Yorke warned. “Failure to do so will lead to hefty fines and ultimately, incarceration, under the new ‘Level Playing Field Bill’.”
In response, leading male medical academics have raised concerns that refraining from masturbation would be hazardous to men’s testicular health, increasing their chances of prostate cancer.
Dr. David Ambrose hit out at the bill, claiming it put American men in the very difficult position of having to father and immediately surrender a child, everytime they ejaculate. He claims this will have very negative effects on men’s long-term mental health.
Jezebel has the bravery to ask the tough questions. In this particular situation, the question is mostly about balls… But really, when is it not at least sort of about balls? Maybe I’m just thinking of my own life here, but I certainly spend a fair amount of my energy on testes. At any rate, apparently the science of balls being outside of the body for cooling reasons has been at least somewhat debunked and evolutionary scientists aren’t actually too sure why they’re in a scrotum. There is a relationship with heat and fertility, but it doesn’t seem to be clear that it’s why the human body evolved this way.
Then, Lindy got hilarious and came up with some future evolutionary options for the testicles, since they’re not necessarily changing for any particular useful reason anyways, as it turns out. Among them, were: decoy nutsacks all over the body, so predators don’t know which one to bop, a symbiotic relationship with a small squirrel or weasel, who will fight off attackers in exchange for shelter and all-you-can-eat nad-flies and a squirting flower, but isn’t that already the penis?
So, I want to see what you’d come up with. Where could you see balls going next, evolutionarily speaking? Personally, I might be a little creeped out by most of those options, but maybe in the future they could taste extra sweet to lure in mates with a sweet tooth? There’s certainly a benefit for that. Get creative and leave your comments! Maybe people will find this blog millions of years from now and one of us could be right!
They always say springtime is for lovers, but I didn’t realize that Japan took it so literally, and has for over a thousand years. There are actually penis and vagina oriented festivals held in various host cities/villages in Japan every spring focused on celebrating and encouraging fertility of both the land and its people. I kind of love this idea.
They celebrate with themed art, food, parades… It’s funny for lots of people, but it’s also quite respectful of enjoying and celebrating penises and vaginas. The penis party happens one day and the vagina party happen another day, so they both get their own time to shine. Beyond it being a nice way to glorify some usually hidden parts of ourselves, people actually come to these festivals if they want to have kids and see it as a good omen. So there’s some pretty deep cultural and emotional significance in and amongst all the penis shaped snacks and vaginal crafts.
I wonder what North America would be like if we adopted some of these traditions. I can’t say I know enough about Japanese culture to draw any conclusions about whether or not they’re more connected with their bodies, but I think that it could definitely make us feel less shame to be more openly excited about our body parts. It’s a nice way to show off diversity of different ways our bodies can be, it can start a lot of dialogues about the way we link our bodies to sex and it would just generally remove a bit of the culture of secrecy we have about penises and vaginas.
What do you think? Would you attend a penis or vagina-themed festival? And if you did, would it be purely for entertainment or do you think you might actually learn something about yourself or others? Also, would you ever look at a corndog the same way again? 😛