Tag Archives: communication

Real “Real Porn”

Fleshbot brought this (apparently Canadian) film to my attention today. It’s called My Awkward Sexual Adventure and it’s all about a guy learning how to give pleasure to his girlfriend before they get married… It sounds like kind of an implausible situation, but the truth is that we could probably all use a little bootcamp in how to listen and give pleasure.

What it really got me thinking about was mostly based on the isolated sex scenes Fleshbot had spliced together. They were so awkward, but also so real… And fairly uncomfortable when sex stopped because of texting… Don’t do that. The thing is, there’s clearly a lot of talk about realness in porn, but there’s a limit, right? We want to see communication (whether verbal or physical) and fragility, but still see the kind of sex we want to be having.

Where is that line for you in porn? Do you want to see people communicating what they want in bed, even if that means negative feedback? Do you want to see awkward moments or bloopers? Do you want to see people who don’t look too poised or put together? I’d love to know what “real porn” means for you, and how real is just too real.

Stoya Understands the Art of Blowjob

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Sexy porn babe Stoya

Sophie passed this along to me after stumbling upon it during a routine term search. I’m glad she did. Stoya is a pretty pale brunette, so I definitely like that about her. She’s also a porn performer who keeps a blog and writes for other people from time to time about porn-related things that touch on her personality. I love it when there are other people in the industry who are into sharing a more in depth look into what they do and how they approach sexuality in general.

She recently wrote a piece for Vice all about my undeniable passion pursuit: blowjobs. But what really made me smile was how much her advice mirrors exactly what I tell people when they ask me how to give a great blowjob, as well as her rejection of the typical (and persistent) requests for specific tips and tricks:

“What’s your number-one tip for giving the best blowjob?”

This question drives me insane. I usually pause to shoot murderous looks at whichever PR person has set up the interview before responding. I have two sound-bite-sized answers: “Don’t chomp down on the dick unless the person it’s attached to has expressed a desire for that sort of thing,” and “Experiment, communicate, and pay attention.”

Sound familiar? I don’t get upset when asked (people legitimately want to know) but I do make sure to be very clear that there’s no one magic secret to giving an amazing blowjob… Anyways, she’s clearly a woman after my own heart. She goes on to talk a lot about the idea of enjoying the sum of a person rather than their individual parts, which I think is very important, especially considering how what someone likes one day can shift the next… Which she very intelligently remarks on as well. It’s ultimately all about communication, both in this article and just in life. And isn’t that a wonderful thing? What’s more encouraging to motivate an open dialogue than the promise of satisfying blowjobs, and sex in general?

In closing, I’m not sure if she drew this, but it came along with the article and it tickled me pink. As a gamer, I can see how it might be handy to have a cheat code for orgasms, but blowjobs aren’t a game… They’re an art.

Blowjobs aren't a game

Giving Pleasure to the Ladies

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Camille Crimson's breasts covered in cum

Since we’re now well on our way into the final stretch before hitting 1000 blog posts, I thought I’d get started on some of the questions from my Q+A post. The first is one that touches on a lot of universal issues, and I thought it’d be a good reminder for everyone about the way to make each other feel good sexually, and really in all ways.

1) Best way to pleasure a woman by oral, how does she like her man to use his mouth and tongue? Does she like direct stimulation to the clitoris or deep probing with his tongue, etc…

2) Do women like their breasts stimulated during sex, how do they like them played with and fondled, how much sensation do they feel from having their nipples tweaked and sucked – and what’s the best way to do it?

Both of these questions are ultimately condensed into one: what makes women feel good? I spend a lot of time talking about ways to make men feel good by nature of my sites, but a lot of people certainly want to know about women too.

My answer, as always, is this: no two women (or men, or anyone) are alike. Some like it rough, some like it gentle. Some love external stimulation, some love internal stimulation. Some have the most sensitive nipples in the world, while others can barely even tell when they’re being tugged… It’s a wild world full of beautifully different bodies out there.

So how do you know? Ask. Ask what they like, ask what they don’t like, ask if what you’re doing is working and, if not, how to modify it so that it will. Try different things and pay attention to signals. Don’t assume that what worked for your last partner is going to work for them. Being creative and open and attentive is one of the most wonderful parts of sex.

Even beyond our differences from person to person, some people differ from day to day. Maybe they’re in the mood for something different than usual, so keep the lines of communication open and that spirit of enthusiasm to discover each other’s bodies again every time.

Partner Interviewing

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Hot sexy sucking by beautiful babe Camille Crimson

I’m always talking about communication as a tool to give the best blowjobs, have the best sex and experience happy, fulfilling relationships in all ways. But what does that actually mean? Dr. Jess wrote an article a while back detailing some questions that you and your partner can ask each other to check in every few months, kind of like an interview to stay updated on what’s working for them and what they want out of sex and your relationship together. Here are a couple examples I really like:

6.Name one place you’d like to have sex that we haven’t tried yet.

7.What is your favourite position?

8. If I were to initiate sex tomorrow night, how would you like me to do it?

Are these the types of questions that you’d want to check in with your partner about? What are some other ones that pop into mind? And is this something that you do, either formally or just casually when you want to make changes/make your feelings known?

Rye on Prematurity

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Kissing a cock after a sensual facial cumshot

Today I was very much reminded that one of the things I want to do with this blog is to normalize a whole bunch of different aspects of male sexuality and show people that there are valuable reasons to be just as sensitive to its issues as we try to be with women’s sexuality. Rye of Uncommon Appetites took to their blog to explain a phenomenon that had been happening to him lately… He’s been experiencing ejaculation sooner than he would like.

Essentially, his masturbatory habits have become less frequent over time for a variety of reasons and he’s left with a lot more pent-up sexual energy. He loves pleasing his lovely partner Violet with his hands/mouth/toys, but she also loves it when they have penetrative sex, so they eventually get to a place where the penetrative sex just doesn’t last as long as they want.

This is where things get especially amazing… They spoke about it together and came up with a solution that totally worked for both of them. Instead of retreating out of shame or confusion or continuing on, just thinking that something might one day change, they took action. What did they figure out? He just needed to come once and get it out of the way and then he’d have a much easier time afterwards.

So, they went right to penetrative sex, they had a bit of fun and he ejaculated, then they kissed and played around until he was ready for round two, which was exactly what they needed. Perfect, right?

On top of making very sexy videos and sharing lovely glimpses into their lives, Violet+Rye are also real examples of making sex work. We all go through peaks and valleys, we all have things that sometimes interfere with the natural progression we’d like, but there are ways to communicate, explore, try things and work out a solution.

If you’re having any issues with any degree of premature ejaculation, this is a really great strategy to try. Who knows? It might work for you!

Have you ever had a little hurdle to get over, sexually speaking? What did you do and what did you try?

Better Pornstar Sex Advice

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Wow, I really think that people should talk to pornstars and really ask them questions more often… Like Fleshbot does. They’re smart, funny and thoughtful and they know a whole lot more than most of the people spouting advice about sex… What lovely women (and James Deen) with intelligent, important things to say about porn and sex… And the actual difference between the two. I didn’t know a ton about many of these performers before, but getting them to speak honestly about sex is a surefire way to endear them and help people understand them better.

Stoya is just awesome. She preaches openness, trying things, exploring… She knows that there are no definite sex tips, just a ton of value in personal and interpersonal exploration!

Chanel Preston and Jelena Jensen bring up the fact that there is no one right move, even in blowjobs. It doesn’t matter whether it’s on a man or a woman… Techniques are nice, but everyone likes something different. James Deen agrees in his usual comical way.

Angela Sommers, Brandi Love and Dana DeArmond both talk about loving yourself first. Make yourself feel sexy, take the time to treat yourself with respect, know and accept your body… You have to love yourself before you can love somebody else, and that includes sexually. We should relax and embrace what we have.

Taylor Stevens and Lexi Lowe preach the ability to communicate, both explicitly and implicitly. Whether it’s about making your desires known or watching body language and subtle moments, it just makes sex better.

Kayden Kross and Brooklyn Lee speak on my favourite subject: blowjobs. Don’t do it like you see it in porn! It’s not a shark attack! You don’t have to always deep throat and go incredibly hard and force it as hard as you can. There’s value in sensuality and focusing on lots of different feelings! (I couldn’t agree more!)

Kayden also brings up the most valuable thing of all… Don’t try this at home. They do things that look interesting, not necessarily ones that feel good. So really, don’t go for the big showy moves unless you know that’s what your partner wants.

Lily Labeau is incredibly evocative, talking about all the ways to tease and explore, worship your body and your partner’s body… Especially when getting someone turned out and wet enough is what you’re after.

And even that darling Stormy Daniels with a very important tidbit at the end, which made me laugh out loud.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get the video up here, but you should check it out and let me know what you think about all of this advice!