Reddit is great for a lot of things, but sometimes I have to say that their advice, though well-intentioned, is…  Let’s just say interesting.  Recently there was a thread where someone was asking what the boyfriends of Reddit would like as a random surprise.  They actually came up with a number of options ranging from sweet to…  Again, interesting.

Some of the ideas are nice and simple…  Giving little hugs from behind, little surprise gifts, massages.  That all sounds pretty normal.  Then, washing him, which is a little more out there, but not exceptionally strange.  It turns out a lot of men want food, which is fine, although one guy was extremely particular:

Tacos. Like, I want to have a Saturday where we’re driving to the mall or something, and suddenly she pulls out a whole tray of tacos from under the seat and is all like ‘SUPRISE! TACOS’ and then we would eat tacos.

Ladies: say it with tacos.  But, there was one thing the original poster reminded everyone up front: “Please no one say BJ, i know thats at the top of everyones list.”  And what ended up happening?  Well, they spoke about blowjobs anyways.  Extensively.  So, if you don’t have a place to store tacos in your car, you can always show you care with a blowjob, even though we already know it’s the first thing the very large majority of men would like as a surprise.  ;)

What maybe stuck out most for me was the first item: that men don’t receive enough compliments.  That’s really sad.  I try to give as good as I get with Mike because I want him to know that I feel lucky to have him, so I want to make him feel handsome and smart and capable with my words.  I unfortunately understand how rare this is.  We assume compliments are for women, who are meant to be pretty, and forget that reassurance and kindness can be good for everyone.  Have you experienced a noticeable lack of compliments in your life? Do you think that this impacts your self-esteem and maybe even makes it harder to feel comfortable in your body and your sex life?

The other segments ring true along the same veins…  Men aren’t all about appearance, there’s a lot innate in their nature that they have to fight against and that there are unfair standards to which they are held as well, specifically having to do with financial success.  We think so often that there are these absolutes about men and women, and they hurt all of us.  I hope that you’ll read this as men and feel a little more understood and free to be more yourselves.  I hope that women read this and remember that we’re all impacted by the way society expects us to behave and we could all do well to be more aware of it.

I like to talk about how to make men feel more sexually confident a lot here, showing that there’s nothing wrong with their bodies, their sexualities, their desires…  But I think that showing understanding of other sides of what it is to be a man can really help with that.  How about you?  What do you think?  Oh, and as for the fifth segment…  Have you ever been given a hard time for adjusting yourself?  :P

This piece from Good Men Project really piqued my attention, so I figured I’d share and see if you felt the same way.  The idea is that, while a lot of relationships end up lacking in sexual passion, it’s not exclusively the fault of the person who is seen as holding back or withholding sex.

In fact, it’s not just about relationships, really.  It’s just a shift of consciousness where the sexuality is in our hands, regardless of anyone else.  Steve Horsmon (the author) said it best:

The sexual epiphany I am talking about is the point in a man’s life when thinking, wondering, and worrying changes into leading, romancing and enjoying. This epiphany does not just happen with age. It must be earned. It is simple but not easy. If it were easy, every guy would be doing it and would be happy with his sex life.

Regardless of whether it’s a man or a woman having this epiphany, I think it’s pretty important, and even outside of sex.  It’s the realization that no one else is responsible for your happiness if you’re not willing to be an active participant too.  You create your own magnetism by being genuinely excited about life, about yourself and about your partner.  I think it’s a pretty lovely way to live.

What do you think?  Do you think this all sounds to simple, or are there nuggets of truth in there?  Read the rest of the article and let me know!

This video is a trailer for an upcoming documentary called Aroused about porn actresses in the mainstream.  This actually looks like it could be quite interesting.  Asides from the fact that it looks like there was actual thought put into the cinematography, they’ve styled everyone in very simple, stylish, glamorous implied nudes, at least for the promo.  It’s a very different look than the more typical porn appearance, and I think this is a nice way to strip everything down and allow them to just be.

It’s hard to tell exactly how this film will take shape, but the responses in the trailer alone are enough to make me think that we’ll get a really good insight into how they all feel about the work they do, why they do it and how they got started.  There’s such a stigma that transfers from big porn valley stars to people making their own content…  Why would a nice/smart/pretty girl like you do porn?  Hopefully this film will get the answer out there to the mainstream: there are many reasons, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s anything wrong with us at all.  Maybe we just love sex, love sharing this side of ourselves and feel good having this be such a big part of our lives.

There are also mentions about the difference between “porno sex” and “home sex”, about being fearless about sex and about how it is not always a positive or negative experience…  I think that filmmaker Deborah Anderson seems like she handled all of this in a pretty delicate and thoughtful way.  I hope it comes out online, because I think this would be a very interesting look at the way these women navigate porn in their own words.

What do you think?  Would you be intrigued to see what mainstream female porn performers are thinking and feeling about what they do?

Did you know that May is masturbation month?  Well, if you didn’t, now you do. As someone who works in porn, obviously I’m very pro-masturbation, but it’s interesting to hear about people who have mixed feelings about their own masturbation habits.  A lot of people have some degree of shame around the issue, and I hope that they’ll be able to find a way to enjoy themselves on their own terms.

I think that there are differences in the kinds of shames we feel as men and women to a certain extent, but it all comes down to the concern that we’re going to be seen as perverts for enjoying our bodies…  Like there’s something gross about doing so.  For men, I think it’s somewhat linked to feeling less than for having sex alone instead of with a partner.  The term “wanker” in the UK has given wanking quite a bad wrap for men.  As for women, it’s seen as something that good girls just don’t do…  Women’s sexuality and pleasure is just so misunderstood that way.

The only way we can really combat this is by enjoying ourselves and trying to be unashamed.  It’s hard to get over this kind of stigma, but loving yourself, getting to know your body and experiencing pleasure are all such important aspects of your sexual self and life.  What do you think?  Have you ever been made to feel ashamed about masturbating?  Is it something that you enjoy?  Do you ever speak openly about it with people in your life?

As far as I’m concerned, good things come in ALL packages!  (And that explains the Christmas photo…  Get it?  Presents?  Packages?)  Evidently, not everyone agrees, including one recent study from Canada, of call places.  I don’t know how I feel about science commenting on things like this…  What does it serve to do?

So, a particular focus group is more attracted to a particular penis size?  Does that really represent all of us?  No, probably not.  For as many women out there who love very large penises, I’m sure that there are just as many of us who aren’t bothered either way, and I’m sure there are plenty of women who even prefer a moderately sized penis.  I’m even sure that there are women who have a preference for a smaller penis.  There are as many desires as there are people, and these desires mean very good things for the way we interact with each other.

I know that some people get all up in arms when studies like this come out, thinking it reinforces negative things about their bodies or about women, and I just want to emphasize here that there are so very many women who care infinitely more about the person than the size of the penis attached to them.  So, I encourage you all to be confident and love the penis you have…  A study of a small sample of women should never negate your worth and the way you love your body.

This is something that has always been quite interesting to me…  What do you focus on when you watch porn?  I think, partly because I’m making blowjob videos, this is of particular interest to me…  Is it about the penis/mouth action or the face?  Of course, it doesn’t have to be about one or the other, but it is interesting to think about what draws your attention first or the longest…

Apparently, for men, faces draw their attention first, then they spend some time looking at genitals and back to faces, according to this one study.  Women seem to be more open with what they focus on, which differs depending on whether or not they’re on birth control…  I guess hormones play a role in that, supposedly.  But they mean to say that women have a larger variety of things that can potentially turn them on, whereas men look specifically to faces/genitals as sources of arousal.

Do you think this says anything about why we watch what we watch?  Maybe there is some truth to the idea that women would want overall higher quality porn, as their focus could be drawn to any number of things…  Maybe that’s why there’s a backlash against porn that looks too fake, as it might draw attention away from a naturally beautiful face that would capture a man’s attention in the first place.

What do you think?  You can check out a post about this study and let me know if you find this to be true, and then what this might actually say about what people could want from porn.

Fleshbot brought this (apparently Canadian) film to my attention today.  It’s called My Awkward Sexual Adventure and it’s all about a guy learning how to give pleasure to his girlfriend before they get married…  It sounds like kind of an implausible situation, but the truth is that we could probably all use a little bootcamp in how to listen and give pleasure.

What it really got me thinking about was mostly based on the isolated sex scenes Fleshbot had spliced together.  They were so awkward, but also so real…  And fairly uncomfortable when sex stopped because of texting…  Don’t do that.  The thing is, there’s clearly a lot of talk about realness in porn, but there’s a limit, right?  We want to see communication (whether verbal or physical) and fragility, but still see the kind of sex we want to be having.

Where is that line for you in porn?  Do you want to see people communicating what they want in bed, even if that means negative feedback?  Do you want to see awkward moments or bloopers?  Do you want to see people who don’t look too poised or put together?  I’d love to know what “real porn” means for you, and how real is just too real.

Sophie passed this along to me after stumbling upon it during a routine term search.  I’m glad she did.  Stoya is a pretty pale brunette, so I definitely like that about her.  She’s also a porn performer who keeps a blog and writes for other people from time to time about porn-related things that touch on her personality.  I love it when there are other people in the industry who are into sharing a more in depth look into what they do and how they approach sexuality in general.

She recently wrote a piece for Vice all about my undeniable passion pursuit: blowjobs.  But what really made me smile was how much her advice mirrors exactly what I tell people when they ask me how to give a great blowjob, as well as her rejection of the typical (and persistent) requests for specific tips and tricks:

“What’s your number-one tip for giving the best blowjob?”

This question drives me insane. I usually pause to shoot murderous looks at whichever PR person has set up the interview before responding. I have two sound-bite-sized answers: “Don’t chomp down on the dick unless the person it’s attached to has expressed a desire for that sort of thing,” and “Experiment, communicate, and pay attention.”

Sound familiar?  I don’t get upset when asked (people legitimately want to know) but I do make sure to be very clear that there’s no one magic secret to giving an amazing blowjob…  Anyways, she’s clearly a woman after my own heart.  She goes on to talk a lot about the idea of enjoying the sum of a person rather than their individual parts, which I think is very important, especially considering how what someone likes one day can shift the next…  Which she very intelligently remarks on as well.  It’s ultimately all about communication, both in this article and just in life.  And isn’t that a wonderful thing?  What’s more encouraging to motivate an open dialogue than the promise of satisfying blowjobs, and sex in general?

In closing, I’m not sure if she drew this, but it came along with the article and it tickled me pink.  As a gamer, I can see how it might be handy to have a cheat code for orgasms, but blowjobs aren’t a game…  They’re an art.

Today I ended up reading an article about a subject that I’ve never given too much thought to before.  This article is about Japanese blowjob bars.  Although this type of sexual business is unheard of in Canada, there are lots of salons in Japan with various types of available sex acts.  In fact, you can even get away with passing yourself off as a restaurant if you serve food or drink and don’t allow full penetrative sex.  I can’t imagine that flying in Montreal!

This article is mostly in interview format with a young woman who works at one of these bars.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t paint the best picture of the situation.  It’s fairly matter of fact, but she doesn’t seem to be at all passionate about it, and she started as a virgin (her words – she means she had never had intercourse) because she really needed the money.  Obviously this drew a parallel in my mind to mainstream porn hiring people in need of quick cash…  That’s never the easiest way to get into an industry with such a personal aspect.

The blowjob bars themselves actually do sound interesting, but you’d have to be a very specific kind of person to thrive in a workplace like that.  I may dearly love giving blowjobs, but a big part of that comes from the fact that I do it when I’m genuinely turned on and I do it to someone I care about.  Some of these girls end up giving 15+ blowjobs per day, which is rough on any jaw.

The ending is kind of odd, but I suppose very real.  They discuss infidelity and prostitution and the interviewer (a man who goes to sex workers) ends up admitting that he’d be distraught if he found out his partner was a sex worker. The young woman he’s interviewing has a boyfriend who doesn’t know what she does.  Then he asks if he should break up with his current girlfriend and just spend time with sex workers instead, and she doesn’t seem to really know what to say.  Obviously, this is not an uplifting end to the discussion.

This interview, while not easy to read, is an interesting peek into this kind of workplace.  As with any sex work, there are some people who love what they do and others who don’t as much, so it’s important to remember that this is just one story out of many.

Read it for yourself and let me know…  What did you think?  Have you ever been to a place like this, or would you?