I like steak. I like blowjobs. I don’t much care for Steak & a Blowjob Day. It might come as a surprise to hear this from me, an esteemed Blowjob Novelist who for some reason has decided to completely alienate his target audience, but this is one load of truth that I can not hold back any longer.
The tone of the official Steak & a Blowjob Day website is as you might expect: the spawn of Maxim magazine and the Beef Council. Photos galore of hotties in their underwear, hard at work in the kitchen. While I do give them credit for raising money for charity, they are more or less confirming that this day is in fact an act of revenge against Valentine’s Day and it is an act of entitlement against significant others. This holiday stinks of the deplorable men’s rights movement, but it can not be as easily dismissed.
Believe it or not some truly brilliant, feminist, sex-positive women, who I have nothing but admiration for, have decided to embrace, or at least refrain from outright attacking, this obscure March 14th celebration. I want to stress that they are much better people than I, for I will show no such mercy.
There are also the men: my friends and acquaintances who enjoy S&aBJ Day without any malice and I don’t mean to deprive you of it, but perhaps give you some food for thought. A metaphorical side of vegetables to go with that steak. And I guess I’ll hang around to watch the blowjob too, since you offered.
This blog post is mainly for the guys, but ladies, you might want to stick around because you are going to enjoy this. What follows are three simple reasons to forget all about Steak & a Blowjob Day.
1. It is Petty Revenge
Don’t care for Valentine’s day? Then why are you celebrating it? Is your arm being forced by your significant other? Did you slog it through some holiday that you don’t like and then embrace the invention of a holiday that was created as an act of petty revenge? This whole thing sounds very passive aggressive, which is not an especially manly attribute.
This holiday revenge is more than a little misguided if you ask me, or better yet, if you ask my wife. In reviewing this incendiary blog post of mine, she pointed out to me that Valentine’s Day actually comes with an already built-in expectation that a woman must trade sex for flowers and dinner. V-Day is not the wash for women that men like to assume it is. In fact, with S&aBJ Day you are trying to double dip a month later for your alleged V-Day generosity and romantic gestures.
With regards to Valentine’s Day, I have two suggestions for you:
- Stop celebrating Valentine’s Day. My wife and I have tried this before. We’ve gone through phase a where we acted like a couple of cynical jerks, discrediting holidays because they were brought to us by “the man” or “the corporation” or “Irish stereotypes” or “that guy who committed genocide” (okay, that last one is still bad) and we basked in the glow of our smug self-satisfaction. It turns out that it is much more enjoyable to…
- Make Valentine’s Day whatever the hell you want it to be. I don’t buy marked up flowers and my wife doesn’t expect them. I did buy her a wheel of cheese once. Now that was romantic. You know what else I have done on Valentines Day? Eaten steak and/or enjoyed a fucking blowjob.
You don’t need revenge. You need a better plan for Valentine’s Day.
2. Meat and Blowjobs Don’t Mix
“There is, of course, nothing more political than food.”
– Anthony Bourdain
Do I believe steak is political? Hell yes. What really bugs me about S&aBJ Day is the steak part of it. It conjures all sorts of outdated and sexist stereotypes about gender roles, not to mention, the thought of some dude going all Raging Bull on his woman for overcooking said steak. Word of advice for dealing with Raging Bull: pair the overcooked steak with an under-sucked cock.
Steak is also political due to the obvious environmental and health related reasons. I don’t hate meat. I can grill you one of the best steaks you’ve ever eaten. Do I believe in steak as the pinnacle of a manly celebration or an essential part of a man’s lifestyle? Hell no. It is harmful to our health and the environment, not to mention, animal welfare. If you are not slaughtering your own cow, then you’ll have to forgive me for not being impressed with your masculine prowess to buy a plastic-wrapped factory product.
What in the hell was my original point here? Oh, right: meat and blowjobs don’t mix. Erectile dysfunction is more often seen in men with elevated cholesterol levels. In other words, men who eat like shit aren’t popping boners. I don’t think I even need to provide a citation for this well known scientific fact, so I won’t.
Worse yet, meat makes for bad tasting semen. I will provide a citation for this, but all I really had to do was ask my wife. We cut back drastically on meat over the last few years and I’ll never forget the day she sucked some of my… how can I put this gently… STICKY WHITE LOAD off of her finger and told me how great it tasted.
You don’t need to eat more steak. You need to cut back on the meat and begin a cum tasting experiment with your partner, similar to that citation in the paragraph above that you just ignored but are now scrambling to click on.
3. You’re Turning Blowjobs into a Chore
Nothing beats a good blowjob. If I had it my way, I would get blown morning, noon, and night, 365 days a year. One woman could not possibly keep up with that regimen. At some point, she’d have to feign enthusiasm for this daily chore, despite the large and magnificent phallus before her. What made it a chore, in that blowjob-greedy parallel universe I just invented, was the expectation.
If you set an expectation for a specific sex act to happen on a particular date, you’re most likely going to get the “chore” version of that sex act. Just like it was a chore for you go get those Valentine’s Day flowers (Quit getting flowers. Get cheese). So go ahead and swagger on up to that special lady on March 14th and drop those britches, but prepare yourself for some mediocre head. When you’re ready to cum, she’ll probably ask you to finish yourself off onto a towel in the next room.
You see, blowjobs don’t need to be a chore in this day and age. Women are reading and watching porn more than ever. Graphic blowjob websites that lovingly showcase Facial Fridays (NSWF) are being nominated for feminist porn awards. Men everywhere should be riding high on this new wave of female-empowered cock worshiping but instead a misguided few are waiting at the kitchen table with a knife and fork in their hands and their pants around their ankles like entitled jerks.
You don’t need to turn blowjobs into a chore. You need to create a safe and supportive space for women to become the deepthroating, ball-sucking, cum-guzzling sluts that they choose to become and you can start by removing the expectations.
Men: you aren’t doing yourselves any favors by demanding retribution for your Valentine’s Day gestures in the form of meat and fellatio. Get your Valentine’s Day issues sorted out and earn your blowjobs the old fashioned way: by being a healthy and attractive person. Or money. You can buy blowjobs with money.
Women: consider offering to give your man a blowjob any day except for Steak & a Blowjob Day and I encourage you to follow my 4-step system. Thanks for reading!
Article Thanks to Brixton Atwood’s Blog!