Men’s Sexuality

I think this is really fascinating video that I found through the Good Men Project, especially for the first question she asked because I don’t believe I’ve asked it directly here before, which I’ll get to later…  Author Elana Millman took to the streets of Canada, it seems, because of the snow and some fairly Eastern Canadian-sounding accents…  So I guess we’re getting an in depth look at what (probably) Canadian men think about their sexuality!

The big thing I took away from this video is that, despite the diversity of the way men approach sex and their own sexuality, they all have the same general desired outcome.  This is really helpful information for someone like me who is trying to make something which is of course authentic to myself and my relationship, but also accessible to the people watching it.  This isn’t to say that we know any more about women’s sexuality than we do men’s , but it’s good to know where they stand!

When talking about porn, they pointed to the ideas of “obliterated intimacy” or becoming completely desensitized to sexuality because of it.  Of course, the undercurrent is that they were mostly talking about typical mainstream porn, but I can definitely see what they were getting at.  There are some definite assumptions about sex, emotion and women…  I’m not sure that women use porn for different reasons all the time, but that there actually might be more similarities than they think.

But then on the other hand, even though they see the capacity for problems, porn is still something they use to set the mood.  So, it’s clear that it serves a purpose, but they just wish they had more options away from typical degradation, especially when it comes to spicing things up with a woman.  Sounds like a job for beautiful porn!

Many of them are champions of honest, direct communication.  It’s really heartening to see that a random cross-section of men would be able to identify how important that is for themselves and for their partners.

They did a brief segment about talking to friends about sex, which is something we’ve spoken about here before.  They didn’t specifically mention talking to female friends, though, which was the really interesting trend that emerged here.

So, I wanted to ask one thing to close, which is actually the opening question of the video: how did you first learn about your sexuality, and do you think it has framed the way you approach relationships, porn and sex in general?

22 thoughts on “Men’s Sexuality

  1. Pete

    I guess I first learn’t about my sexuality as most guys do when I first started to notice the female form in a different way than I did as a kid.
    I started to become aroused looking at topless pics in papers and magazines, wondering with amazement at the different sized breasts and differing hair styles and make-up women wore. I guess all this started to creep up on me just before puberty when you start to realise what that thing is between your legs that fills with blood and stiffens with excitement.
    Then seeing my first porn magazine as a very young boy and the excitement of seeing a fully naked woman and realising what was between there legs, wow still brings back exciting memories now.
    My first ever proper orgasm through masturbation, and the feeling as I came producing my first ever glimpse of cum, those memories will never fade.

    My views on porn to this day have never really changed, but as a young lad it was so much more exciting to look at thinking of all the things that were ahead of me to experience.

    Reply
  2. Cal

    I don’t remember ever not knowing about sex and sexuality. My mother taught me the names and functions of men’s and women’s body parts when I was 5 or 6, and showed me a PBS video called “What Kids Want to Know about Sex and Growing Up” when I was 7 or 8. We had sex-ed in school every year starting when I was 9. Of course, even in elementary school there was still a pervasive homophobic atmosphere, so even though I was raised as a tolerant, open-minded liberal about sexuality, I would still vehemently defend myself as straight if somebody called me “gay” on the playground– it wasn’t about the sexual perspective, it was about the social branding. I hit puberty early, but don’t think I learned the “proper technique” for masturbation until sometime in my teens when I watched people pantomiming it as a joke. And although I learned a ton from sex guides and books, like so many men in this video said, the single most important educational tool has always been having actual partners and communicating with them. No book or video in the world can prepare you for actually experiencing a vagina or penis for the first time, and one person’s body can never prepare you for another’s.

    This was a great video, and kudos to Elana Millman for her excellent work!

    Reply
    1. Camille Post author

      It’s so great that you had a solid and ongoing sexual education. You sound like you were as ready as you could be to address everything life threw at you.

      Reply
      1. Cal

        Every day is a new chance to learn, about myself, those around me, and the world at large. I don’t know if I’ll ever be “ready” for what comes [or cums] next, but I’m always eager to find out!

        Reply
  3. impassion8

    I intentionally did not watch the video or read other responses because I wanted to be objective.

    The point that I did discover my sexuality is a story that I would not share here, but maybe with only you , Camille. I do remember some experiences, such as when I was a kid, just loving to run around the house naked. I would have these strange fantasies of being tied up naked. To me, this was very sexual, but this fantasy did not stay with me past childhood. When I did discover porn, I did not care for the S&M or bondage types. I guess that I was a typical male in that I loved heterosexual porn, as well as lesbian porn. In the beginning it was all new. Even later in life, I was drawn to fantasy (for me) porn, meaning 3-ways, etc. My sexual life has been very tame, and never involved more than one partner. Much of what I do sexually I learned from watching porn, but also from experience.

    I think that our sexuality plays a huge part in our relationships at every level. We will always gravitate towards those that we are attracted to, whether we realize it or not. There is always the thought of having sex with an attractive co-worker, that woman that smiled at you on the train, even a friend’s significant other. We may not admit to these thoughts, but we do have them at some level.

    Yet at the same time, most of my friends are female. And they are real close friends. Sure, there may be some sexual tension, but if I had the choice of having sex with a female friend at the risk of losing the freindship, I would decline.

    Reply
    1. Camille Post author

      I’m really happy you felt comfortable to share all of that here. You are spot on that sexuality is so integral to our relationships, and it sounds like you’ve been able to admit that to yourself without letting it eclipse everything else.

      Reply
  4. Jason V

    It’s really interesting to hear other men talk openly about sexuality, especially with the way sex is everywhere you look in the US yet it is somehow such a taboo subject as well. Not to mention how sheltered I was as a child. I was never allowed to watch movies with nudity in them when I was younger; even something as tame as the love scene at the beginning of the movie “Ghost”. Violence and swear words were okay, but God forbid a breast shows up! I didn’t learn about how babies were made until I was about 11, and my parents just gave me a book about it and that was it. I had watched porn in my teens and was usually grossed out by it, but I did come to enjoy the softcore movies on late-night cable, because the sex was simulated and they didn’t have the glaring extreme closeups of jackhammer-like penetration. Eventually I graduated to enjoying blowjob movies (hooray, internet!), then the more artful types of porn that are more about an emotional connection and mutual respect and pleasure than about being over-the-top glamorous and unrealistic. Most mainstream porn still doesn’t do it for me. I can’t get excited about seeing a woman in discomfort, and it seems like that’s what a lot of mainstream porn is: she’s in an uncomfortable-looking position, or she’s choking on a penis as big around as my arm, or her breasts look like they’re being squeezed too hard, etc, all the while she’s making these fake high-pitched shrieks of what I’m assuming is supposed to be pleasure. It seems like a lot of men take what they see in porn and try to make their sex life more like that, but I take my views on sex and love and relationships, and try to find those same aspects in porn. It’s not easy, but it’s definitely worth it.

    Reply
    1. Camille Post author

      It sounds like, despite the culture of sex-negativity that you (as well as a lot of us) came up in, you’ve really got a good head on your shoulders and you’ve been able to find what works for you. That’s really admirable!

      Reply
  5. littlewood

    I was molested when i was young and grew up hating myself and till my late teens didnt know if i was bi or just confused. self-taught to be straight watching porn films, porno mags and taught myself self control through masturbation. But because i hailed from a strict religious family, sex was a taboos subject till i got married. Added to this a small penis and i guess its the shame factor of it all and the experiences of rejection and being shy to speak to either male or female friends due to rejection or being mocked. ir embarrassed – none of my friends know about my sexual abuse so i’ve hated myself for years and rejected potential girlfriends and still do. My wife got raped a few years ago by a guy who was more endowed and she doesn’t sleep with me and i end up here watching Camille or wanking to Redtube porn films for self satisfaction.

    Reply
    1. Cal

      Hi LW,

      I know you aren’t asking for “magical solutions” to your painful past, especially from people who aren’t Camille, but I just want to say that no matter what has happened to you and how it’s made you feel, I absolutely guarantee that you deserve better. I promise on everything holy that you didn’t earn or deserve any of these traumas; it’s not your fault, and you aren’t a worse person because of it. And I profoundly encourage you to try to find someone who can provide sexual abuse counseling— not to “fix” you, because you aren’t “broken,” but just to support you, to offer encouragement, empowerment, trust, belief. Your importance isn’t defined by the size of your penis: it’s defined by the fact that you are alive in this world.

      There are a ton of free abuse counselors out there– the YMCA/YWCA, Planned Parenthood, city health clinics– you don’t have to pay big bucks, or even let anyone else in the world know. But it would make me the happiest person in the world if you posted a note on this blog in a year (or ten years) saying that you felt good about your body and hopeful about its relationships with others.

      Good luck. Don’t stop believing.

      Reply
      1. Camille Post author

        I couldn’t have said it better, Cal. There are a lot of therapy options out there, and I really hope LW takes advantage of them to see that there is a way out of this.

        Reply
    2. Camille Post author

      All I can say, as I’ve said to you before, is that talking to a professional about all of this is really the best path to being able to reconcile this and live a happy, fulfilled life. I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult time with sexuality. There’s definitely a lot of healing that needs to be done, and being open about it with someone who has a background in molestation is the first step.

      I wish you all the best.

      Reply
      1. littlewood

        Thanks guys, you’re the best. Am trying to get out of mu shell it’ll take time with the right partner.

        Reply
        1. Cal

          Life is hard enough without having what should be the most fulfilling experience (sex) become just another frustration. I wish you peace, patience, and progress, LW, and remember that you’re in good company here— we’re all taking baby steps every day toward happier, healthier, and sexier lives.

          Reply
  6. Kevin

    I was horny long before puberty, so it’s no doubt a good thing that my parents (especially my mother) were so frank and open about discussing sex. And i read some of their sex books (including M&J) on the sly, too. So as a child I knew more about sex and biology than all my peers until I was well into my 20s. Some of my peers’ ignorance probably relates to having grown up in America’s Bible Belt; hell, SexEd consisted of one of my biology teachers risking her job by offering an optional class (you had to get your parents’ permission to attend) where she talked about everything from the menstrual cycle to childbirth, sexual response, contraception, and even *gasp* oral sex; i don’t recall any mention of homosexuality or transgender issues (but it was the late ’60s in the Bible Belt). Where i grew up also played into my sparse exposure to porn and erotica.

    Although i was knowledgeable, I was shy and way too nerdy to actually get beyond masturbation (I still remember my first ejaculation, about 45-50 years ago!) until I was in my late teens; and that was limited to what was then known as ‘heavy petting’. I was a sophomore in college when I finally experienced sex with a lover.

    Somehow I escaped and managed to develop a very liberal attitude about sexual intimacy, though I still find it to be a rare and precious thing (see “Sex As Jamming”). And I’m saddened and embarrassed that my fellow Americans still have so many problems with hetero sex, let alone LGB sex; sexual intimacy is a beautiful thing in all its manifestations, and should be celebrated and accepted as such.

    Sheesh…. I’ve gone on WAY to long!

    Reply
    1. Camille Post author

      Wow, Kevin. That sounds so great. It’s wonderful that your family was so open with you and that you got to be a beacon of information for some less lucky kids. I think it’s great that you waited until you were ready, you got to know yourself first and then you fostered that great attitude! It’s heartwarming, honestly!

      Reply
      1. Kevin

        Camille,

        I hope that i didn’t misrepresent myself. But i most definitely was not anything close to being “…a beacon of information for some less lucky kids”; that would have earned this nerd a thorough butt kicking from those “less lucky kids”!! Being a nerd back then had much more negative connotations than it does now; it usually meant that you were more of an outsider (outcast?) in my experience.

        So, it’s also somewhat inaccurate to say that I waited until I was ready, because the waiting wasn’t entirely by choice! I suspect that I might not have been such a late bloomer if I had been given more opportunities.

        But it all worked out: my love and I will celebrate our 37th wedding anniversary this year!

        Reply
        1. Camille Post author

          Oh, far from it. But even if those kids were jerks or you weren’t choosing to wait for sex, you sound like you were a wealth of opportunity and very in tune with yourself, whether or not other people were smart enough to see it.

          Congratulations on your anniversary. I’m really happy for you!

          Reply

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