Penises are often used for sex. This statement may be shocking, but it’s true!
Although a lot of what I want to cover here is anatomical and self-esteem-related in nature, I certainly want to help people use their penises for good! (I like to think that sex is an inherently good thing!)
Figuring out speed and intensity is paramount. The same way a blowjob is all about knowing what you want and how to get it, getting the right speed is about figuring out what you want and then coordinating that with what your partner wants too. It becomes a bit more of a juggling act, so feeling it out is key. You may luck out and wind up with someone who tells you exactly what to do (Slow down! Harder! etc…) and then you can just try to match that to what you’re feeling, but you may end up with someone quieter. Asking the occasional question to check in (without being fixated on constantly communicating to the point of being out of the moment) is a good thing. But moans and screams and smiles and body position adjustments are also things to look out for. Good-sounding and steadily building noises mean that you’re on the right track and you should keep on with what you’re doing… Unless you’re about to come and you think it might be a bit early in the game for that. Then, try changing positions and find the right intensity together and speed all over again.
Timing thrusts is certainly something to think about. This isn’t quite the same as speed because it’s specifically about getting in sync with your partner. Often leverage plays a role in this, so assume positions where you can get a good grip and balance. If your partner is active (and I hope so!) then you will want to figure out how to time it so that you meet at the apex of your movement at the same time. Think of it rhythmically. It takes a while to find the exact beat, and sometimes you might fumble or skip one, but having that pulsation together in a grounded, stable position will make you both feel secure and will make the impact so much more profound… Plus, you’ll get optimal depth, which is always a good thing!
Accepting limitations is a part of life, and definitely a part of sexuality. This means taking it easy on yourself and not holding yourself to pornographic standards. So many people think you have to be a rough stallion who can go on for hours and hours and hours. That’s just not true. For a lot of people, having sex for that long and that hard can chafe profusely. It’s so much better to be in tune with your partner and focus on giving nuanced pleasure rather than just jackhammering away. There are times where that’s what you want or what your partner wants, and you can even get away with some combination of slow and fast to build intensity and desire… Nothing has to be consistently one note, even if that can feel great. Just as you wouldn’t expect a blowjob that’s 100% vigorous deep throating, you can’t hold yourself to unattainable standards, because you’ll just wind up feeling disappointed, and that’s not what sex should be.
Another wise move is to accept and encourage help! Your penis can be many amazing things, but it can’t be everything all the time. If you can use a hand or let her use a hand or every use a vibrator (or any other toy that strikes her fancy) you can have really hot sex with even more arousal, desire and orgasms. A lot of men have trouble thinking that a woman could need anything more than what he has to offer, a lot of women need clitoral stimulation, especially vibration, to get the full range of feeling to have really amazing orgasms. It’s hard to get past that natural shot to the ego, but what’s sexier than seeing a woman having incredible pleasure to the fullest extent? You can hold the toy and use it on her to feel extra involved, or watch her take control of her body and pleasure. It’s thrilling.
What are some of your most important thoughts and tips on making sex work for you?