I like to keep up on the happenings in the sexual world, so I peruse different advice columns, among other things, to see if anyone is talking about something interesting and potentially blogworthy. Popular columnist Dan Savage had a question this week that made me reflect on the other half of a lot of the questions I’ve answered over the years:
I am desperately in need of your help. After eight years of marriage, it turns out that the blowjobs I give are “good but not great” and are now getting “boring.” My husband is unable to tell me anything specific that he wants me to do, just that I should “be creative.” I’ve done everything I can think of over the years, so I have no idea where to go from here! My husband is my first partner, so I have no past experience to draw from, and porn hardly seems the proper inspiration: visually exciting (for a guy) but no visible technique other than some rather extreme deep-throating, which I am incapable of, as I have an annoyingly sensitive gag reflex. Is there anything nonstandard but fun that you could suggest? I’m not exactly vanilla, so I’m willing to try pretty much anything at this point.
Thought I Was Doing It Well
You can read his thoughtful response here, and I’ll just say that I concur and I wanted to use this as an opportunity to do a PSA for all the people who may be wondering how to get their partner to do something different/”better” sexually. I am all for people being clear and vocal about what they want in order to get the pleasure that is important in a fulfilling sexual relationship, but not at the expense of someone’s feelings. It’s important to remember that you have a real person who wants to make you feel good, who is making an effort to do nice things for you.
So, be gentle and be precise. Explain that you don’t mean objectively bad or good, but that you are talking about what feels right for your body. Give praise and be open to feedback about your techniques as well… It pays so much to be kind to one another, even when it comes to sex!
Have you ever had to give or receive sexual critiques? How did it work for you?
Totally agree with you on the respect the partner’s feelings. Talking respectfully about everything including sex related subjects is always a good thing. However, IT IS sometimes harder for some when it comes to sex. In my case, it is a rather almost impossible subject to touch with my wife as she is not really into it let alone doing different things (forget fellatios). She knows it and accepts that she’ll never be sex-oriented. So in respect for her self-estime I never touch the subject and leave her decide what SHE is willing and desire to do .. which is not much
As for me, well, I silently wait.
Which is in part why I admire your relation, both of you. Enjoy it and continue to show such respect between both of you !
You’re very right. I think the issue there is getting at the root of why her sexual interest is so decreased. Sex-orientation is one thing, but talking to a doctor could possibly show off some other medical reasons.
it’s mainly for psychological reasons alongside lack of interests. And based on discussions, no it’s not a sex-orientation issue. At least not from HER understanding
Thanks for the reply and caring 
Well, maybe you guys should go see someone together to talk this out… That doesn’t strike me as a very fair deal. It’s not about forcing, but it is about trying.
Cheers to Dave for giving that complaining hubby the verbal smack down he so richly deserved!
However, the best advice for Ms. “TIWDIW” would have been to direct her to a master of the art by the name of Camille Crimson.
I doubt she could do better than to watch you at work. Her skills would certainly improve and she would quickly silence her whining, and undeserving, husband.
I like the way you give advice, Hrothgar! Maybe you need your own column.
But Camille, I thought you knew. My blog “The Art of Sex for the Average Guy” has been up for six months now and I’m getting 5000 hits a day.
I think that would be a deceptively popular site if you could brand it right.
As usual, Mr. Savage has dealt out some tough love and meaty wisdom. Well done! Especially since, despite all of his tongue-in-cheek sarcasm, his advice to this woman was ultimately telling her to TALK to her husband. Communication! (And watching TAOB, of course!)
I’ve always tried to be actively open to constructive sexual criticism with my partners (all three of them). If things are poorly, it’s obviously important to ask what can be done differently. But as this woman’s situation showed, it’s just as important to talk when things are going “smoothly”– because maybe “smoothly” is simply hiding the other person’s boredom with the “same old thing.”
Granted, I’m not great at giving helpful feedback– when a partner has asked me if her blowjob feels okay, I say “yes” because it does; I’m not too picky or critical in general. But I always try to find out what I can do differently or better.
Communication really is key. I am the ultimate broken record about that kind of stuff, but I don’t care. Talk about everything! All the time! Unless your mouth is full, of course.