Here’s a really interesting piece from an old zine called Learning Good Consent, at least as far as my Google research has lead me to believe, which I found through Sexplore.me, who just happen to have recently done an interview with me. They’re an up and coming sex blog dealing with all sorts of things to do with sexuality, porn, self-discovery… Suffice it to say, I’m pretty enthralled so far. This particular piece is something that stuck out to me as very interesting and I’d love to hear your take on it.
Essentially, many people believe in asking these questions, which I think are great tools for communication, but I also wonder to what extent people use it every time, even if they’re with a partner with whom they’ve had sex many times. I suppose that some of these questions, particularly those aimed at learning likes and dislkes, are more based on introductions, but most of them are ongoing.
I think checking in is a really nice idea, and being aware that consent is an ongoing thing. I like knowing that, if I for some reason didn’t feel like I wanted to give a blowjob some day (shocking concept, I know!) that it wouldn’t be assumed or questioned unduly, which is something I feel I have innate in my relationship. It’s not something I think about actively in such an ongoing sexual experience, but it’s certainly something at play.
So, what about you? How much do you think about consent in your sexual encounters? Do you feel like it empowers people? Do you feel like it takes away some elements of seduction, or do you feel that it can be seductive in and of itself? Do you ask any of these questions, either upfront or ongoing? I really would be fascinated to hear your thoughts and experiences.
I believe it’s something that should be done on an ongoing basis. Like you said, even before being between the sheets … or where ever
It’s a good thing to learn the other’s feeling about various things. After a while, these questions often do not need to be asked anymore as we learnt the ins and outs (without taking too much for granted still). it should flow naturally.
In the same token, you learn the limits and know what should simply not be brought … in the sheets
Another problem that can arise sometimes is that this communication is unidirectional. But that is another problem
I like the idea of a natural flow of checking in without interrupting the way things go naturally.
Ideally a nice back and forth is what makes this kind of communication work.
In established relationships,the parameters of acceptable behavior are pretty much established.In most sexual encounters,permission to do anything is sought from just advancing,not asking.You either get the green light or are rebuffed.To ask permission every time can be awkward and a buzz kill.For me,seduction should not be structured with permission slips.If either partner does not like the direction of the aggressor,they should just say so and the aggressor should repect that.Love play is about sending non verbal signals be they vague or explicit.
I agree that once a relationship is established, general consent is implied, though it’s still important to recognize and respect all cues, verbal or nonverbal, before/during/after trying something new. But before a relationship is established, consent can be very tricky– it’s absolutely a “buzzkill” to spoil the seduction by asking “Do you mind if I ____?”, but better to be awkward and safe than misinterpreting a nonverbal cue, or letting the other person do something you don’t like/want because you think they expect/demand it, or because one/both of you are intoxicated and not able to recognize how your partner is responding.
I had a one-night-fling with a woman who was fine with intercourse, but tensed up when I tried to go down on her, so we paused for a second and talked about it, and it turned out that she thought I felt forced to do it, whereas I simply wanted to please her as much as possible. So after 60 seconds of communication and clarification, we gave each other consent and continued to have a great time– certainly better than if we hadn’t said anything, and if no consent had been given.
Asking for consent may not be “sexy” per se, but it leads to safer and more mutually empowered sex, and THAT is always sexy.
right but you also have a lot of person (not even ladies I mean) who don’t even agree to talk about sex and it often happens (or I’m especially unlucky. which could be an explanation).
O what to do in this situation? Basing a sexual relation on misunderstanding?
Well, it doesn’t need to be to talk about sexual fantasies… But asking if it’s alright to touch someone there or if they like being given oral sex, for example, is courteous, not lewd.
Yeah Cal, I know.Let the circumstances dictate.You need to discuss openly sometimes before the clothes come off.Not everthing can be discussed “on the fly” so to speak.
You’re absolutely right.
You’re such a smart guy, Cal! I think there are ways to use charm to get around the buzzkill issue… The right kind of approach means worlds of difference when it comes to making it sound more smooth and natural. No matter what, especially when it comes to making sure that things are comfortable, they’ll appreciate it. That story of communication and consent made me smile. I’m glad there are men like you out there.
As long as the “aggressor” is always aware and there is always communication on some level. I think that’s key.
bon cette fois je rebascule en Français.
ces questions sont très intimes et donc difficiles à placer dans un premier rendez-vous (ou un speed dating: j’imagine le retour sous forme de claque!). Elles restent importantes tout de même et ça serait très bien de pouvoir les poser mais quand?
Si tu les poses au début de la relation, ça risque d’être mal interprété (genre obsédé sexuel alors qu’on est encore dans la magie du moment, la beauté de la découverte, les petites fleurs et les papillons), si tu les poses plus tard, ça risque d’être plus difficile parce que ça fait longtemps qu’on couche ensemble et donc on est supposé connaitre l’autre (à mon avis on se trompe lourdement “99 fois sur cent, la femme s’emmerde en baisant” nous raconte Brassens).
Donc la question n’est pas de savoir si on doit les poser mais comment et quand les poser.
En plus de ça, il y a aussi un aspect culturel à tout ça: la façon dont on traite la sexualité dans la culture nationale, dans l’éducation, dans la famille etc.
Je ne sais pas comment ça se passe au Canada mais en France, il est difficile de parle sexualité aussi ouvertement et aussi frontalement. Je sais que dans d’autre culture ça se fait.
Je pense que c’est bon de les poser en cours, et que c’est clair que c’est pas pour imposer, mais pour comprendre ses limites. Je pense que si on ne peut pas parler de la sexualité pendant qu’on est en train de baiser, c’est un peu trop rigide.
rigide? oui c’est le cas de le dire
Rigide… J’ai fait une blague par accident!
Consent really is paramount. For me, I cannot enjoy any kind of sex unless I am sure I have consent, otherwise it feels like I am just taking advantage of her. Asking first is not only the right thing to do, but also darn sexy!
That’s so wonderful, Andrew. You’re the model of the modern man.