Stop the Violence
15 Dec
I’m sure some of you have been reading the shocking (or not so shocking) statistics about rape and sexual violence in the US. They’ve been making the rounds on the internet, and after Cal e-mailed me just to see if I had seen the reports, I figured that it was worthy of a blog post, even though it’s not the typical cheery/sexy thing I would post here. It’s an important issue that needs to be discussed.
It’s unfortunately true that 1/5 women in the United States experiences rape or attempted rape and 1/4 women have been attacked in relationships. (This specific bit of information was released about the US, and it’s hard to find Canadian statistics, but I’d imagine that it’s a similar situation here.) This is a really awful statistic, but these numbers even sound a bit low to those in the know. The fact is, a lot of people are pretty oblivious to these numbers, and that’s a big reason why sexual violence continues to be an issue. But, it takes more than just awareness to reverse this disturbing trend.
First, I think it’s important not to try to divert from the issue. Even though it’s the minority, you read a lot of comments raising points about men’s rights, male sexual violence survivors, false accusations, alcohol consumption or the fact that someone may not have met anyone who has experienced sexual violence. The fact is that men’s rights, while important, don’t negate what is happening in terms of sexual violence. As for male sexual violence survivors, it’s a problem that affects men and women and I think it’s really important that this is more emphasized. But the fact is that it’s 1/4 for women vs. approximately 1/75 for men, so it’s somewhat understandable that a lot of resources are more focused on women. Men and women both get breast cancer too, but no one balks about the fact that most of the research is designated towards women.
False accusations represent about 2% of the reports, and there are countless other unreported experiences of sexual violence, which only shrinks the false accusation percentage. A lot of talk in comments on blogs is about how having sex with a woman so drunk she can’t say no isn’t really a crime, just a grey area. The law disagrees, and the experience of these women disagrees too. Finally, most survivors of sexual violence won’t talk to just anyone about their experience, and may not even discuss it with anyone outside a therapist or one or two close friends/family members. Just because you haven’t been approached with a specific story doesn’t mean that someone in your life hasn’t had this horrible experience.
What else can you do to help stop the violence? Making yourself and the people around you accountable for their actions. If someone makes light of sexual violence, tell them it’s not okay. If someone you know is trying to have sex with a woman who obviously can’t say no, intervene. Maybe even discuss consent as a normal part of sex. Anything where you are actively setting a good example is very valuable.
Lastly, actually get involved with volunteering for the cause. Volunteer at a shelter, raise money for a charitable organization, get involved with your local chapter of the White Ribbon Campaign. Whatever you can do to get involved will make a huge impact on yourself and those around you.
I know you’re all amazing, smart, kind people, so I hope this post resonates with you.
Thank you, Camille, for this post. Like you said, it’s not a “cheery/sexy” topic, but then again, what could be more positive (and sexier) than helping to create a world where sexual violence doesn’t exist?
When I first read these statistics, I was disturbed by the numbers– I’m friends with dozens of women, and know hundreds more, but I don’t know anyone who has been a victim of sexual violence– and then I was absolutely horrified to realize that I *DO* know people who have been victims– lots of people, according to this statistic– they just haven’t told me their stories. If there’s a “silent enemy” in this generation, this is it.
A friend also reminded me that a LOT of these numbers come from people being victimized within long-term relationships. Just because it’s not a stranger doesn’t mean it’s not rape, and being forced to have sex or do something against your will with/to your body by your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/husband/wife is just as wrong as being taken advantage of while drunk at a frat party.
Again, thank you, Camille, for setting a brave, wise, and respectful example in the sexual world for us to learn from and follow.
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Camille Reply:
December 16th, 2011 at 4:17 pm
“Thank you, Camille, for this post. Like you said, it’s not a “cheery/sexy” topic, but then again, what could be more positive (and sexier) than helping to create a world where sexual violence doesn’t exist?”
That is exactly it. Exactly.
As usual, everything you said is exactly spot on.
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Indeed, good info. Thanks to both Cal84 and Camille.
A very good friend of mine, who I eventually fell in love with, told me that she was raped in college. Until then, I had never actually known anyone that had been raped (or at least admitted it). It hurt me deeply. She had come to terms with it and was quite healthy with it, but I was a wreck.
I remember years ago when I started getting into anime – I mean the innocent stuff, some cute, some nerdy sci-fi. Then a friend told me that I had to see the real stuff, and loaned me some of the most vulgur XXX anime I had ever seen. The repeating theme in all of these was some innocent girl being savagely raped by a father figure (sometimes the actual father), only afterwards to seem to fall in love with the rapist. I couldn’t help thinking that so many young boys see this and think that’s what girls want. It really made me sick.
We all need more people like Camille in our lives.
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Redact That Reply:
December 16th, 2011 at 10:50 am
Very good point – I’ve been quite disgusted on visiting Redtube recently to see ads for 18 & Abused, 3D monster animation porn, cartoon porn and anime on the same pages as clips I consider beautiful porn.
Taking something innocent from my childhood (Scooby Doo) and turning it into some bestiality rape frenzy just really annoys me.
It’s not just that it’s collocated with on the same pages as clips from TAOB, PL and others, it’s that it’s there at all. I don’t want to sound like a total prude but it’s just plain off-putting.
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Camille Reply:
December 16th, 2011 at 4:42 pm
I know what you mean. Those sidebar ads are just disturbing 90% of the time.
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Camille Reply:
December 16th, 2011 at 4:30 pm
That’s the thing. Sexual violence has a big impact on a lot of things, not just the people immediately involved. It can be devastating to hear that someone you love has been hurt in such a way.
I know how you feel about porn like that. It’s just an aspect of the culture we’re unfortunately living in, and hopefully things will get better some day.
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I wish there was a way to stop this violence, to woman or to any body. I was raised around five sisters, two of youngest, fell victim to rape. at around eleven, to twelve years old. They did not tell anyone about it , in till later in life. Only when the pain was no longer tolerable for them to deal with, and suicide was the only escape. The family did everything possible to help. That is what makes it so frustrating, that i could not stop, or protect or save them. Also learned that if some one wants to kill them selves, they will succeed. Now i have three sisters.
The so called men that did this, are the lowest form of life, on this earth. They pry on the young and innocent. They pretend to be teachers, hide behind the church, or just want to be a friend with negative intensions, it could be anyone. How do you stop them? Another sad note i read, that in india, their are 40 million girls missing.
Sorry about the negative rant, and thank you for allowing me to do so. In memory of sueanne and mary and the many others who did not find the wright person to help them grow through life.
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Camille Reply:
December 16th, 2011 at 4:37 pm
I am so sorry to hear that, Phil. My sincere condolences for that experience.
I wish that it could just stop. It’s so hard to find out how, but hopefully at least talking about it openly will start a shift. It has to develop slowly, but I believe that things can and will change.
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My wife was abused as a child by a family member. She refuses to tell me which one because she is scared of what I would do to him. However I have an idea who it is. My wife is very outgoing, friendly and can light up a room with her personality. There is one family member that when he is around she gets silent and sullen. It breaks my heart to see her change like this when he is around to the point that I just want to grab her and hold her the entire time his family visits. I want to say something to him but I know that the last thing she needs is more violence. So in the end all I can really do is just love her and be there for her.
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Redact That Reply:
December 16th, 2011 at 10:53 am
The balls of the guy to show up at all. I’m so glad she has you. It’s obvious you love her very much. Keep doing what you’re doing Tony.
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Camille Reply:
December 16th, 2011 at 4:41 pm
I am so so sorry to hear that, Tony. What you’re dealing with is unbelievably difficult, but letting her deal with it in her own way is the best thing you can do. You’re obviously a very kind man and I’m sure she truly appreciates it.
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I have always been appalled with the violence I see toward women. I personally intervened in a husband and wife nudist wife beating and damn near killed the man involved.
I am totally turned off by websites which show young girls getting slapped around by men because they are not performing to their desires, or the site is designed to show women being abused.
They look like they are drugged or being offered a fix to perform.
Just two days ago I heard about a woman being beaten to death in Idaho by her husband, who then attempted to cover up the killing by having her body cremated the next day in that small town with inept police.
It is so sad. Women bring us such joy, they are so beautiful, even if they are ugly on the outside. There is nothing better in life than a loving relationship with a woman.
They just like children depend on men to protect them, not abuse them.
Your plea will be answered by me, I will do my part to help women who have been abused.
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Camille Reply:
December 19th, 2011 at 3:12 pm
Well, I don’t think I’d go as far as to say that women are like children, but it’s important to never hurt anyone based on their gender and their perceived weakness.
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Good post, and well said.
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Camille Reply:
December 19th, 2011 at 3:14 pm
Thank you, John.
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Wow what a great post. Rape has always been a real issue for me since I found out my older sister had been raped. Then not much later I found out that my mother had been raped as well by her own father. Now that I’m 41 I don’t believe there is any woman in the family that hasn’t been at the least assaulted sexually except for my grandmother on my father’s side. However I am hoping to get someone else’s opinion. My wife had been raped years before I met her. Yet we watched Gone With the Wind together once and she felt that it was so romantic; I was flabbergasted. There is a seen where Scarlett is basically attacked by Rhett Butler. How is that romantic? If rape is someone taking away another person’s right to their own body how is that seen not a rape? She told him in no uncertain terms no; he did it anyway. She later seemed to appreciate what he did but does that make it any less of a rape?
Help me out here ladies because I just don’t understand.
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Camille Reply:
December 19th, 2011 at 3:17 pm
I can’t say I understand that either, but sometimes people who have experienced terrible things have unorthodox ways of dealing with it when confronted with the subject. I am so sorry to hear of the women in your life who have experienced this, but it sounds like they have a great man in their life who is understanding and kind.
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Cammille,
I am a survivor of child abuse, by father and the female teachers in elementary schools. I have also been physically attacked while working in a 7-Eleven by a drunk woman. I had a female stalker in college. for those that at skeptical of these claims, I assure they are all true. I still deal with the effects of them at the age of 50. So, it is difficult for me to have my suffering seem less important than women who have experienced violence.
You stated that 1/75 men is the victim of sexual violence. Does this include men in prisons? Isn’t there a possibility that men are even less likely to report sexual or domestic assault? How many men would likely report being raped by another man? What would the reaction by by police if a man accuses a woman of rape? There are states in the US that men can’t file rape charges, because rape is defined as crime against women only. How much of this is a factor in the disparity in the numbers? Don’t get me wrong, I have no doubt that women are victims of sexual and domestic violence much more often than men. But those of thus that are victims should be treated equally.
As for:
“A lot of talk in comments on blogs is about how having sex with a woman so drunk she can’t say no isn’t really a crime, just a grey area. The law disagrees, and the experience of these women disagrees too.” I aks you what if they are both drunk? Should the man be held responsible for his actions? What if a man is drunk and can’t say no? Having an erection is not giving permission and men can get erections while intoxicated. A healthy man has several erections every night while asleep. Is this an indication of a willingness to have sex?
The difference in which violence by men against women versus women against men is very apparent. How many sitcoms show women slapping men, throwing things at them, or men getting doused with a glass of water or wine in retaliation for a verbal remark? Why do women who have sex with underage boys get treated more leniently than men who have sex with underage girls? Pink has song that is popular, in which she refers to her boyfriend as a perfect little punching bag.
As you can probably tell this is a touchy subject for me. Very often when I raise these points I am accused of being against efforts to reduce violence against women. This is completely untrue. In fact I can understand better than most men how such violence affects women. I just would like people to understand that recognizing that men can be victims and women can be perpetrators. Focusing all of the resources to address only the violence against women is stripping men of the HUMAN rights.
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Camille Reply:
February 2nd, 2012 at 3:57 pm
Hi Sean! I’m glad we discussed this further through e-mail. My intention was never to make anyone feel like their experiences are not valid, and I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. My intent in showcasing violence against women was just to show that it is still as major issue in need of attention and support in a cultural sense, but the fact is that every kind of support and help should be available to anyone who experiences violence or intimidation. You raise many valid points, and the issue with the concept of “violence against women” is that people then assume that men can’t be subject to sexual assault. We need to see and mend the societal reasons why women are disproportionally targeted, but we must never ever ever make assumptions that a man cannot experience the exact same kind of abuse.
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